It had to happen one day, I suppose. Blast it, we’re not ‘Active’ Navy, so why get their shorts in a twist
about our, well, shorts?
The memo came from the top. I found it hard
to believe that one’s choice of underwear aboard Seaview could be construed as ‘conduct unbecoming’.
Unbecoming, my ass! Well, yes, personally
I think the brief’s little red kisses pattern is in bad taste. I’m a solid white boxer man myself, regulation
first I only knew about it from the scuttlebutt aboard Seaview about a single pair of kiss pattern briefs that found its way
into the boat’s laundry. For a while, there was a brief (excuse the pun) bet on just who they belonged to, and they
hung proudly at the entrance to the laundry practically the entire cruise, just daring the owner to retrieve them.
We’d just about given up finding out
anything when they disappeared. A stealth operation for sure and nobody but nobody knew how the owner had managed to elude
the laundry detail. It was pretty apparent that the owner had to be someone imbued with skill, cunning, and stealthy sneakiness.
Skill, cunning, and sneakiness, I pondered
in my office a few days after the boat had docked. By now, (thanks to ‘loose lips sinking ships’ over a couple
of brews ashore no doubt) even the local tabloids were getting into the act regarding our ‘kissy pooh’ briefs
aboard Seaview. We were a laughing stock.
Embarrassed or not, I was about to forget
the whole thing (after all, I had my suspicions) when I received the memo from the SecNav’s office. Now, I had no choice
but to confront Lee about his choice of underwear.
No doubt he’d argue about it being none
of the Navy’s business what he wore on a civilian vessel. (It wasn’t) And that there was no mention of unmentionables
in his contract.
Still, if he didn’t cooperate with the
‘Cease and Desist’ order, it could lead to a Congressional Sub Committee inquiry. (Damn, another pun!)
It was then that the FedEx man arrived and
asked if a Commander Morton had received a package before we’d gone on our cruise, as the sender was growing concerned
not having heard anything yet. A package his present girlfriend (well, it was a girl’s name, so I just assumed it was
a girlfriend…) had sent from
‘Novelties and Naughties’.
“Briefs,” the man read the invoice,
“red kiss pattern.”
I almost sighed in relief that I wouldn’t
have to confront Lee at all, but I’d still have to order Chip not to wear the things aboard Seaview. And I wondered
if Chip had called on Lee for ‘operation retrieval’.
“Oh, yeah, there was also a package
for Commander Crane,” the man said, “ A Lola Hale ordered something for him from there too, only these briefs
had little playful kittens on them…the furry kind…”he added quickly as the term could have meant something
a bit more…uh…suggestive.
“Playful little kittens?” I asked,
“Hey they’re cute. I have the catalog…,” he chuckled, “here,
this one, “he pointed as he handed me the well-worn catalog, “your staff let me have this.”
I had to admit the little kittens playing
with balls of yarn were cute. Just not the sort of thing a man like Lee would ever dream of wearing…except of course,
for Lola. Their relationship had to have become a bit more serious if she’d started to order briefs for him, even if
only in jest.
A few days later, I wondered what would have
happened if it had been Lee’s briefs that had made their way into the shipboard laundry. Little red kisses were
one thing, but cute little kittens? It boggles the mind. Well, one thing was certain, I’d never wear my newly acquired
‘Superman’ shorts and T-shirt aboard Seaview.