Public Relations Department
To: Agent Catfish
Re: Offer/Request/and/or Other
Thank you for the kind offer of a Florida
Vacation, however, we’re sure the reindeer wouldn’t like all that sand in their hooves and it is hurricane season,
(knock on wood) after all.
As for your suggestion that Captain
Crane needs a new pillow, well, does he prefer down, feathers, foam, or that newfangled ‘thinking’ kind of pillow
that adjusts itself to contours, etc? We need to know these detail things.
We can accommodate your request for
Dr. Jamison, however, for two boxes of Hair Restore, but have to ask, is his hair loss due to a physical situation or is it
stress related? Living aboard Seaview is stressful enough without the Captain’s need for almost continual medical supervision. (Don’t bother to try to figure out how we know, we just do) There are two different
formulas and the boss wouldn’t want us to make a mistake.
Now down to the nitty gritty; does
Admiral Nelson really need a crate of Glen Livet? Santa does not, as a rule, provide alcoholic spirits. He has a ‘family’
reputation to keep, so to speak. How about some homemade taffy or peppermints? Or perhaps some individual sized chocolate
rum pudding cakes? (The alcohol burns off during baking, and we’ll toss in a bottle of Calories- Be- Gone tablets which
should be taken along with the dessert (to avoid ‘Santa’s Tummy Syndrome’)
Lt.Cmdr. Morton presents quite a problem.
What would a submarine officer do with a pony? Or is your request related to his own letters (see Archives-under 12’s)
or did we misread your handwriting? (We’re sending you a box of Pen-Be-Goods for future correspondence).
Seaman Kowalski will not be receiving
a 5 year subscription to Playboy. Santa does not, as a rule, participate in public
lewdness. He, will, however, arrange for the seaman to meet a nice young lady come November and it’s advised to let
nature take its course. We see (*refer to tentative futures disclaimer-section 7 page
2 for exceptions) comfortable and lifelong matrimony in his future, and you might want to consider purchasing a baby stroller
about a year after that. Or you can have us reserve one. Perhaps they can have the wedding here. (See North Pole Vacations-Weddings
and Honeymoons Division) Shhh. It’s a secret. Only a chosen few will find themselves married with Santa performing the
ceremony. Of course, you and the crew of Seaview will be invited. We know you can keep quiet among other adults about the
reality that Santa and his workshop really do exist.
Your other requests for the officers,
crew, and staff of Seaview and the Nelson Institute are being processed as requested, however, do you really want to add to
Chief Sharkey’s ‘lucky shirt’ collection? We have the designs
requested but they’re so glaringly awful that the gift wrapping department has to wear sunglasses. How do they manage it aboard Seaview?
Please address the questions we have
regarding your requests for this coming Christmas, but we must insist correspondence reach us before Sept. 1 in order to process
them, it’s such a big order.
Yourstruly (Yes, that’s my name-it’s an Elf thing)
From: Agent Catfish
Daytona Beach, Fl
Public Relations Department
Re: Offer/Request/and/or Other
I can understand about the sand issue.
It gets in your shoes, clothes, hair, and on your tires, but it would have been a nice change for Santa anyway don’t you think? As for it being Hurricane
season, I’m knocking on all the wood I can. Perhaps you can put in a good word with the powers that be.
As for the Captain’s pillow.
Well, I don’t know. He always looks so angelic when he’s all snuggled
and cuddled with whatever pillow he’s using. (I’m not a member of
the crew so I can’t exactly sneak aboard to look at the label and if I mention anything,
anyone and everyone will insist on their own suggested pillow versions, especially Dr. Jamison, who no doubt would
want a more chiropractically correct pillow. I suggest an assortment of pillows and let Crane decide which to use and which
to use for padding when he play’s Santa’s helper at the local mall.
Dr. Jamison’s hair issue is probably
a combination of both creeping age and stress, though since he’s been aboard Seaview, the loss has been at an alarming
rate. I’d suggest the formula for both. Can you also add some flea dip,
so he can have some in stock for when the Admiral and Captain find themselves in a ‘hairy’ or ‘howling’ situation? The full moon makes its presence known even aboard Seaview, and while
Dr. Braddock’s influence is long gone, there are times the man beast in Crane makes itself known again.
Let’s go with the chocolate rum
pudding cakes for the Admiral. In fact, how about enough for the entire staff of NIMR and crew of Seaview? Be sure to add
enough Calories-Be-Gone. Our boys like to see the girls in bikinis, not those blousy cover up things. And the girls would
like to see the boys in bikinis too. (It’ll never happen on this end, so perhaps you can add some neon spandex swim
trunks for all hands aboard Seaview. I’d suggest green for the Captain, (to go with his greenish -brownish-goldenish
eyes- can’t his eyes ever make up their minds? Baby Blue, of course for Morton, and Sea-Blue for Nelson. You can decide
on the other colors as you see fit. )
Actually, the pony request is for real.
Morton wants to purchase one for his niece. As for his own present, well, he could sure use a good tailor, his pants are far
too tight. On second thought, just leave things as they are. Give him a subscription
to the Cookie of the Month club. He’ll like that. But label each monthly box of cookies as Computer software so that
Crane and Nelson don’t pilfer any out from under his nose.
Glad to hear that wedding bells may
be in the offing for Kowalski. Of course we’d be honored to attend a North Pole wedding. Do you also do birthdays and
There’s no problem with the Chief’s
lucky shirts, due to Seaview’s specialized lighting. After all, she and her crew have
dealt with a variety of the weird and alien in a kaleidoscope of eye shattering shades, taking over the men and putting the boat in dry-dock. Which reminds me? I’d
suggest for Seaview herself, a new coat of paint. She can’t exactly speak for herself, but I know for a fact that the
Captain fancies red. And that is Santa’s favorite color too, isn’t it.
All the best to Santa and everyone
at the Workshop
Carol aka Agent Catfish
secret even we don’t know what we’re doing)