Christmas in July



"Well Lee, can I handle the new thrusters or can't I?"


"You handled them just fine, Admiral, but it would have been nice if you'd added 'All Stop'. "


"Gee, look at the new toy Santa gave the Skipper! And it's red too!"


"Now I only have to figure out where to stock up on batteries."


"I don't know, Chief. The elves called it a cell phone."
"With that awful reception it won't last past Christmas."

I'm beginning to look like Santa, as the song goes. I wonder if Chip left any milk and cookies on his plate...

 When my Air Force dad was stationed at the Pentagon, my mother took a part time job in a local bank. One day a woman came in with 5 dachshunds on a mulit line leash. A little girl in the bank with her mother jumped up and down excitedly saying, "Reindeer! Reindeer!" The mother, puffed up with her own importance corrected her daughter,  saying, "Those are dogs, not reindeer."
The little girl, not batting an eyelash, clapped her hands and said, "Reindogs! Reindogs!"
(This is a true story.)

Yummy for the Tummy
Known for the best food in the Navy, most submariners return from a patrol with 10 (count 'em) 10 extra pounds. No wonder. For example  Navy Culinary Specialist 2nd Class Juan de Jesus, on a recent visit to Tampa's Chamberlain High School’s Culinary Operations Academy, shared stories about his service on the 'boomer' USS Florida, including how to keep everyone's tummy's happy. One such favorite aboard is his Pecan-crusted Chicken Salad. Now if only I can find one of those lucky students and ask them about it.


Cookie's Lament
"Cookie?"Captain Crane whispered, clearly irritated, "I thought we were supposed to have cake tonight for the Admiral's birthday party."
"Sorry sir."
"That's all you can say, 'sorry sir'?"
"It is when you spent all day doing angles and dangles and the batter kept spilling out. Unless of course, you actually wanna' serve him a cake with a 45 degree angle of it's own."


"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night~ even in July!"


From:  Public Relations Department

Santa’s Workshop

North Pole


To: Agent Catfish

Daytona Beach, Fl.


Re: Offer/Request/and/or Other


Thank you for the kind offer of a Florida Vacation, however, we’re sure the reindeer wouldn’t like all that sand in their hooves and it is hurricane season, (knock on wood) after all.


As for your suggestion that Captain Crane needs a new pillow, well, does he prefer down, feathers, foam, or that newfangled ‘thinking’ kind of pillow that adjusts itself to contours, etc? We need to know these detail things.


We can accommodate your request for Dr. Jamison, however, for two boxes of Hair Restore, but have to ask, is his hair loss due to a physical situation or is it stress related? Living aboard Seaview is stressful enough without the Captain’s need for almost continual medical supervision.  (Don’t bother to try to figure out how we know, we just do) There are two different formulas and the boss wouldn’t want us to make a mistake.


Now down to the nitty gritty; does Admiral Nelson really need a crate of Glen Livet? Santa does not, as a rule, provide alcoholic spirits. He has a ‘family’ reputation to keep, so to speak. How about some homemade taffy or peppermints? Or perhaps some individual sized chocolate rum pudding cakes? (The alcohol burns off during baking, and we’ll toss in a bottle of Calories- Be- Gone tablets which should be taken along with the dessert (to avoid ‘Santa’s Tummy Syndrome’)


Lt.Cmdr. Morton presents quite a problem. What would a submarine officer do with a pony? Or is your request related to his own letters (see Archives-under 12’s) or did we misread your handwriting? (We’re sending you a box of Pen-Be-Goods for future correspondence).


Seaman Kowalski will not be receiving a 5 year subscription to Playboy. Santa does not, as a rule, participate in public lewdness. He, will, however, arrange for the seaman to meet a nice young lady come November and it’s advised to let nature take its course. We see (*refer to tentative futures disclaimer-section 7 page 2 for exceptions) comfortable and lifelong matrimony in his future, and you might want to consider purchasing a baby stroller about a year after that. Or you can have us reserve one. Perhaps they can have the wedding here. (See North Pole Vacations-Weddings and Honeymoons Division) Shhh. It’s a secret. Only a chosen few will find themselves married with Santa performing the ceremony. Of course, you and the crew of Seaview will be invited. We know you can keep quiet among other adults about the reality that Santa and his workshop really do exist.


Your other requests for the officers, crew, and staff of Seaview and the Nelson Institute are being processed as requested, however, do you really want to add to Chief Sharkey’s ‘lucky shirt’ collection? We have the designs   requested but they’re so glaringly awful that the gift wrapping department has to wear sunglasses. How do they  manage it aboard Seaview?


Please address the questions we have regarding your requests for this coming Christmas, but we must insist correspondence reach us before Sept. 1 in order to process them, it’s such a big order.


Yours Truly,

Yourstruly  (Yes, that’s my name-it’s an Elf thing)




From: Agent Catfish

Daytona Beach, Fl

To: Yourstruly

Public Relations Department

Santa’s Workshop

North Pole


Re: Offer/Request/and/or Other


I can understand about the sand issue. It gets in your shoes, clothes, hair, and on your tires, but it would have been a nice change for Santa anyway don’t  you think?  As for it being Hurricane season, I’m knocking on all the wood I can. Perhaps you can put in a good word with the powers that be.


As for the Captain’s pillow. Well, I don’t know. He always looks so angelic when he’s  all snuggled and  cuddled with whatever pillow he’s using. (I’m not a member of the crew so I can’t exactly sneak aboard to look at the label and if I mention anything,  anyone and everyone will insist on their own suggested pillow versions, especially Dr. Jamison, who no doubt would want a more chiropractically correct pillow. I suggest an assortment of pillows and let Crane decide which to use and which to use for padding when he play’s Santa’s helper at the local mall.


Dr. Jamison’s hair issue is probably a combination of both creeping age and stress, though since he’s been aboard Seaview, the loss has been at an alarming rate. I’d suggest the formula for  both. Can you also add some flea dip, so he can have some in stock for when the Admiral and Captain find themselves in a ‘hairy’ or  ‘howling’ situation? The full moon makes its presence known even aboard Seaview, and while Dr. Braddock’s influence is long gone, there are times the man beast in Crane makes itself known again.


Let’s go with the chocolate rum pudding cakes for the Admiral. In fact, how about enough for the entire staff of NIMR and crew of Seaview? Be sure to add enough Calories-Be-Gone. Our boys like to see the girls in bikinis, not those blousy cover up things. And the girls would like to see the boys in bikinis too. (It’ll never happen on this end, so perhaps you can add some neon spandex swim trunks for all hands aboard Seaview. I’d suggest green for the Captain, (to go with his greenish -brownish-goldenish eyes- can’t his eyes ever make up their minds? Baby Blue, of course for Morton, and Sea-Blue for Nelson. You can decide on the  other colors as you see fit. )


Actually, the pony request is for real. Morton wants to purchase one for his niece. As for his own present, well, he could sure use a good tailor, his pants are far too  tight. On second thought, just leave things as they are. Give him a subscription to the Cookie of the Month club. He’ll like that. But label each monthly box of cookies as Computer software so that Crane and Nelson don’t pilfer any out from under his nose.


Glad to hear that wedding bells may be in the offing for Kowalski. Of course we’d be honored to attend a North Pole wedding. Do you also do birthdays and Bar Mitzvahs?


There’s no problem with the Chief’s lucky shirts, due to Seaview’s specialized lighting. After all, she and her crew have  dealt with a variety of the weird and alien in a kaleidoscope of eye shattering shades, taking over the  men and putting the boat  in dry-dock. Which reminds me? I’d suggest for Seaview herself, a new coat of paint. She can’t exactly speak for herself, but I know for a fact that the Captain fancies red. And that is Santa’s favorite color too, isn’t it.



All the best to Santa and everyone at the Workshop


Carol aka Agent Catfish

H.E.N.S Agency

(So secret even we don’t know what we’re doing)