Yes, we have several hair removal products, but there is some confusion as to which products you're most interested in, human or animal, from your inquiry which sounded a bit desperate.
We have Hair be Gone, a truly superior product for those affected with superfulous hair growth . Long used in veterinary use for animals prior to surgery, it is also used for people with over active hair growth. We guarentee once used, the person or persons, or animals ( again, you didn't specify) in question will not be bothered with disgusting overgrowth for up to 2 weeks, depending upon the inital condition of the hair follicles.
We also have DeHair, a marvelous prodcut designed to relieve the tangles of matted hair, fur, and fuz, which seems to be so much of a nusiance you as you indicated in your letter. It's available in mild, regular, or super deluxe. I would recommend the super deluxe for the really bad hair days you seem to indicate.
If you like, we can send you a complimentary trial package of each. Thank you for contacting Hair Away.
HAIR AWAY INC.
Mr. Harry Hareborne
Dear Sir, Thanks!
I'll take the lot! In bucketfuls. I apologize for the desperate tone
of my first letter but I've been totally out of my depth lately
(the consequence of working in a sub, no doubt). You must understand that my medical expertise is somewhat limited because usually the crew are: (a) suffering from stress induced trauma
(b) in shock and/or hysteria
(c) possessed by an alien entity - the non hairy kind
(d) affected by radioactive sickness
(e) faking it so that they get out of appearing in a dreadful episode
All of the above I can handle. I merely explain that there's nothing wrong with them that a good night's sleep, or the last five minutes of the show, won't cure. This works exceptionally well, excluding (f). Unless,of course, you're Paul Carr (seaman Clark and troubled guest star) who reappears more often than Alfred Ryder and Warren Stevens.
Do you think your products might help with seaman Kowalski's hair problem? His hair has a tendency to stick out a metre, or so, spearing the rest of the crew as they move throughout the sub. Not a pretty sight.
I look forward to hearing from you. Sorry I can't sign my name, but
I don't have one.
Hair Away Inc
As for Kowalski, We studied the enclosed photo and agree that this young man has indeed, a greater problem than unmanageble tresses.
But there is hope for the boy. Enclosed is an application for him
to fill out to enter the national Elvis Look Alike Contest. While facial
features will need make up and latex for similarity in appearance, his
hair will be a stand out, (no pun intended), and looks like t he Elvis
And you may assure him, he won't be laughed at. But do try both our products on him, though I must be Frank with you and let you know that he may be in a class by himself as hair follicles go. Good Luck.
HAIR AWAY INC.
I wasn't able to watch the transformation myself as I had to tend to the Captain who needed some pills to stay awake for 24 hours. However, on my return, Kowalski's hair was under control. I took your advice regarding making his transformation complete. I had ample supplies of latex, stage make-up and prosthetics kindly left in my sick bay by myself when I wasn't really myself, but actually Dr Randolph Mason. Kowalski now looks like a new man. Unfortunately, I had to leave again to tend to the Captain who had a dizzy spell. Waste of time really, as he said that he felt fine.
I returned to my cabin, but, I'm sorry to report, Kowalski was dead. I turned my back on him for a moment, but on turning around, found that Kowalski aka Elvis had left the room. The next thing I knew, Captain Crane's voice came over the speaker telling everyone to be on the lookout for Elvis Presley. I don't dare tell the Captain that Elvis is really dead -he'd only faint.
I strongly think that you should have warned me that my patient could die, but still be undead. Worse still, what about my pillow? Will it too be fated to wander aimlessly throughout the sub? Under the circumstances, I demand a complete refund, or at least a new pillow..
Yours in distress, 'Doc'.
P.P.S. You haven't seen Elvis about, have you?
P.P.P.S. Or my pillow?
Hair Away regrets the problems you indicated in your letter, but stands by our products. You will note the disclaimer in the fine print that we are not responsible for misuse of the products. Are you sure you administered them properly?
However, as we are an understanding company, should you find Kowalski, aka Elvis, and return him with the unused packages, we will examine his apparent allergic reaction resulting in his living death as Elvis, or share the profits with you as he goes on tour.
In the meantime, your complaint has been filed and will be reviewed by the customer service representative for evaluation for refund. Your number, in order of filing, is 12,345,678,910.
We only know of one other client who seemed to suffer an allergic reaction to our products, and he's making a great deal of money as a female impersonator.
As for your inquiry regarding the speech problem aboard your ship, I suggest a therepy session administered by a Shakespearen Chat line, which will certainly bring the afflicted young man back to the reality of interactive speech practices.
Again, please recheck your usage of our products to decide if it was your misuse of the product or an allergic reaction before we settle your compliant.
I am, yours, sincererly,
HAIR AWAY INC.
My apologies. It seems that Kowalski did not, in fact, disappear
as first thought. Apparently he was captured by alien jungle fighters and
tied up in the missile room. I should, of course, have anticipated such
a scenario. The Seaview's Admiral chose that time to complicate matters.
Admiral Nelson decided to break in to the very same missile room and, somewhat
dangerously, I thought, burst a grenade nearby. The shock of the explosion
and the severe emotional trauma of being held in bondage by men, other
than his crew mates, deeply affected Kowalski. This resulted in what we,
in the medical profession, call being deeply affected. I regret to advise
that Kowalski's hair sprung back to life. I rushed in with my surgical
gloves smeared with your product, ready to administer ten cc's of cream,
but I was too late. Captain Crane, in what I can only describe as a jealously
induced delerium bought on by faded memories of his brief singing career
in Venice, peeled off the Elvis make-up exclaiming: 'Kowalski!'
I tried to contact your customer service rep, with regards to returning the unused packages. However, I was unable to get a coherent response from anyone. Do your people sub for Columbia House customer service by any chance?
You take risks when you mess with nature. I have, therefore, decided to leave the crew to their hirsute selves. You never know when one of them might be held in suspended animation by, and I'm taking a wild stab here, Frost Men, stumble out of sick bay in a delerium, grab a stun gun and leave the sub for the freezing conditions of the Artic to rescue frozen crew members. Under such circumstances, the hairier the better.
I have not spotted Mr Morton recently. I think his problem has been dealt with by excluding him from any dialogue sequences. A bit drastic, I thought, but it works.
Please note that I am returning your invoice - unpaid. As I don't have a name I am unable to write cheques. My understanding of the outside world is that credit cards have yet to be invented. Although I must confess to being unsure of the year I'm currently in - I had a quick look topside last week and couldn't see any giant lizards pretending to be diosaurs, so I think it's still the '60's. As you know, it is illegal to send cash through the mail too. I hope Hair Away Inc will look on this transaction as being your company's way of providing a real service to the peace and security of our government and country.
You are hereby requested to report to courthouse B at 12 noon on Tuesday, Nov 11.
We understand that you have had correspondence with Harry aka 'Hairy' Hareborn of Hair Away Inc., and hope you may be able to help us with our prosecution team.
Hareborn has been cited witih willful endangerment as most of his clients have either 1. died, 2. gone bald, 3. become felmale impersonators, or 4. are in their local loony bins.
It is not a matter of negligence, for we have evidence that Hareborn is actually an amateur scientist conducting and reporting on his experimental hair products to the People's Republic as a possible weapon. ( control the hair of the world, and you control the world theory).
With your medical help and expertise of your recent use of the products, perhaps we can nail him. We've also asked for your crewman to appear as a witness.
I.M. A. Copp
Yours in a schizophrenic delerium,
Dear I.M. A. Copp,
I regret to inform you that our ship's physician, known by all as Doc, has had a nervous breakdown, aggravated by an apparent brainwashing. Straight jacketed and taken to an insane asylum for examination and treatment, I doubt if he could be relied upon for testimony. We will, of course, release all data we have in our files and super security video surveilance equipment.
Now under federal investigation, we have informed the necessary officials of Harry Hareborne's involvement in the situation and ask for your cooperation in settling this most disquieting situation.
You might wish to impound all known wharehouses, and dealerships where the Hair Away products were sold to avoid future outbreaks of what I can only describe as a foriegn power's vindictive nature.
Santa Barbara Police Dept.
Officer Copp are you still there? Sorry for the delay in getting
back to you.
Anyway, I'm out. It is vital that you maintain my cover. I snuck
back on board the Seaview undiscovered. Am currently hiding in the Air
Could do with one of Harry's hair pieces. It's cold in here. Any
chance of 'borrowing' one of the police exhibits, preferably in dark brown
and sending it to me? What do you think about the colour? Would black go
better with my skin colouring? You decide. Please remove all that forensic
stuff off the hairpieces. If discovered, I'd hate for anyone to think that
I have dandruff.
I regret to inform you that Doc is suffering from acute stress syndrome, possibly aggrivated by an allergic reaction to Harry Hareborn's now defunct products. He's not the only victim of severe paranoia,with the compulsive desire to become a female impersonator and try on numerous wigs. He also has occasional bouts of Elvisitis, a known problem with numerous post traumatic syndrome victims.
As far as his being released, well, what can I say, it would really foul things up here, especially as he's got a great chance at winning the Elvis impersonation contest. Why don't you just leave him here with us ( it was really good that you found him in time before he decided to change to another celebrity, as the winners of those contests don't make as much money). I assure you, he'll have a good home here, with plenty of food, and kindred spirits.
I.M.A. Copp has assured us that he's not dangerous but that I should really request you drop him from your ship's roster as I'm sure you don't want to be bothered with endless singing and the odd outbursts of medical jargon whereby every disease known to mankind can be cured with "a good night's sleep".
We are sending you a complete file, and regret your loss. He doesn't know his own name anymore and when you were mentioned all he could say was, "Ahggggh, the patient from hell!", undoubtedly in the throws of acute schitzophrenia.
Yes, you are welcome to visit, but please, not on Tuesday. We're participating in the Elvis contest then by sattelite and you could be a disruptive influence.
Santa Barbara Police Dept.
I must warn you, things are dreadfully wrong here. Captain Crane
keeps muttering about how he's responsible for the lives of 125 men. I'll
tell you something - I've not seen them! Have you? I estimate a crew of
about twenty - tops. So you tell me, Officer Copp, where's the rest of
Crane's already done away with my mate Farrell, and if it wasn't for the intervention of the Admiral, Patterson and Kowalski would have died too. Crane had another go at Kowalski the other day. I watched from my Air Duct vantage point. He sent Ski and some other guy off to check out a plankton monster. Gee. Bet you can't guess what happened next? The guy got swallowed, didn't he? And poor Ski breaks down and cries.
I beg you. You must watch this man. He may have 125 crew listed on the payroll, but who, may I ask, ever sees them? Find out who cashes all their pay cheques? Check out who's living beyond their means - you know the thing - flashy sport's car - expensive taste in women - holidays to The Lost World island resort. I'd get the Fraud Squad onto him quick smart.
By the way, I'm still laying low. There's another doctor subbing for me at present. Weird thing, he hasn't got a name either. I reckon he's a cohort of Crane's. I'll keep an eye on him.
Blue Waters Resort
Commander Lee Crane
I wish to inform you that yes, a Mr. I.M.A. Copp is here, nestled in expensive comfort with his companion, Harry Hareborn...
We notified the proper authorities at your desperate request to convince them that the fellon Hareborn was here, and your medical officer was a victim of wretched experimentation and kidnapped by officer Copp, but as he's here and out of their hair, they want him keep him away, so extradition is out of the question. Meanwhile, despite all our efforts, your "doc" claimed to never had heard of you, nor Seaview, nor even Elvis.
you will have to come in person to extract him from his room, in which he spends all of his time watching football, switching channels constantly, talking back to the televsion series Lost in Space, saying" way to go Robot!", and "Danger, Danger!" eating pretzels and sighing "At last, at last , at last, a normal life", or the odd stroll on the beach taking everybody's temperature.
We await your arrival but ...
excuse me, we were interupted. I have bad news. Officer Copp grabbed him and took him away by airplane. We havn't heard from them since. the plane is missing.
To: Adm. H. Nelson
We got him!
I'll brief you completely when I get back aboard, but all the while we were worrying about him, he was enjoying a vacation....In the bermuda triangle!
We were the ones hallucinating! It seems as though his good friend Rod Serling and he had a little bet and we've all been in the Twilight Zone!
Thats a place where all sorts of wierd things happen....you know,
Harry, maybe I'm getting paranoid, but...perhaps we've been there all along...on
another time zone, another channel....