(follows
Past Imperfect)
A solitary figure wandered slowly down the beach. Not particularly cold, the strong winds had nevertheless driven everyone else indoors on this cloudy, gray, late afternoon. But Lee Crane, wrapped up in a heavy red windbreaker – and his own thoughts – barely felt it.
Lee’s
boat, the great submarine Seaview, had docked that morning with Lee as usual in
command. But only because he had spent
the last 2 weeks disobeying so many orders his CO, XO, and CMO had finally just
surrendered and let him do pretty much what he wanted. Lee had been seriously injured at the tail
end of a difficult cruise to Indonesia.
Five broken ribs, serious concussion, and a bruised kidney had been
enough to keep him hospitalized for the three days it took Admiral Nelson to
conclude his business at the new research station NIMR had established. Once Seaview was ready to head home Lee had
been transferred to Sick Bay, where Dr. Will Jamison wanted him to stay the
entire ten-day trip home, resting and mending.
That had lasted all of three days, until Lee simply got up, walked out,
and returned to his cabin.
He’d
actually managed to stay there another two days, much to the surprise of
everyone on board who knew how active a man their Skipper was. Still officially on Sick Leave, this didn’t
keep him from eventually getting bored and starting to
wander all over his boat. Scuttlebutt
had a couple enterprising JO’s setting up a pool to see how long it took either
the CMO to tender his resignation or the Admiral to fire his Captain out a torpedo
tube. In the end
neither happened, mainly because Lee, while refusing to stay totally inactive,
wisely behaved himself just enough to keep either officer from going ballistic. He showed up regularly for meals, took what
meds Jamie gave him without argument (almost), and rested well at night –
although he did suspect that at least a couple of times the hot chocolate Chip
showed up with each evening about 2100 had been ‘doctored’. But while he’d carefully not picked up
anything heavier than a clipboard and pencil, he’d made it evident to everyone
on board that he was still, if unofficially, in command of the huge
submarine. By the time they’d gotten
home no one, not even his Exec, had argued with his bringing Seaview into port.
Lee
pulled the hood of the jacket further over his head as he walked into the
prevailing winds, strong enough to be whipping the ocean into a frenzy of waves
and mist. Part of him knew it wasn’t the
smartest thing he’d ever done, going for a walk instead of resting. But ‘rest’ had a multitude of meanings and to
Lee, walking on the beach was as good as a full night’s sleep.
Perhaps
guessing their friend was restless, both Chip and the Admiral, at different
times that last few hours into port, had invited Lee to dinner. Lee smiled to himself as he acknowledged that
neither had been anxious to let him out of their sight for very long after the
night he’d left Seaview on his own to settle an old score. But he’d smiled and declined the invitations
from both men, saying he was just going to relax at home. To Chip he’d added a comment to the effect
that he was sure his XO must have better things to do on a Friday night in
port. Chip had grinned and said he could
no doubt think of something. But he’d
still had a slight look of concern as he’d walked away.
Lee
had actually intended just a quiet night at home, but the restlessness that had
bothered him so much this last trip returned and refused to let him relax. While he had resolved the earlier issues, the
resolution itself had created its own set of troubling thoughts. His friends seemed content to get beyond the
problems and get back to business as usual, but Lee could not. This time he’d screwed up big time and the
demons wouldn’t leave him alone.
There
had been enough minor indiscretions on his part to destroy his sense of
well-being for a good long time: leaving the boat without properly checking
out, scaring Sharkey half to death and leaving him to face the XO’s wrath. Hell, leaving the boat at all, he
admitted. At the time he’d been fighting
the aftermath of a serious concussion and had barely been able to walk from one
end of the boat to the other unaided. It
never bothered him to ignore physical infirmities when Seaview or her crew was
in danger. That was just part of the job
– it came with the territory. But this
time it hadn’t been his boat, or Admiral Nelson, or anything related to
work. Oh, there had been a vague
inference about the crew, but that’s not what had driven him to ignore
everything else and go running off on his own.
This had been personal. He’d
risked losing the respect of the man he most admired, risked leaving the crew
to the whims of a crazy man, to say nothing of the emotional turmoil he’d put
everyone through, especially Chip. And for what? Plain
and simple, a vendetta!
The
wind seemed to increase and grow colder.
Either that or Lee was just feeling it more. He knew he had no business being out here in
the gathering storm. Hell, I had no
business leaving Sick Bay the way I did, or doing anything I’ve done the last
10 days except rest. He gave the
sand a frustrated kick, then had to clutch his side at
the pain that simple movement caused. Damn,
he muttered in disgust. He stopped
walking until the pain subsided enough to let him continue on slowly, and
snuggled deeper into the windbreaker. Jamie’d
have a fit if he caught me out here. He grimaced, but nevertheless continued to
walk. The demons weren’t going to let
him rest this night.
Poor
Jamie, he
grinned ruefully. Lee knew he’d been
risking all out warfare with the CMO by refusing to stay in Sick Bay on the way
home. But what it had really boiled down
to was that Lee was ashamed to lay there quietly
watching the best Doctor he’d ever known treat him for injuries he himself had
been responsible for. That’s when the
demons had really set in, not letting him stay in Sick Bay, not letting him
rest in his cabin, and following him relentlessly as he wandered around
Seaview. And especially while he spoke
to crew and checked on his ‘Lady’, they constantly reminded him of what an
idiot he’d been for risking all this on a personal bit of revenge.
Lee
rarely admitted he had a personal life.
As Seaview’s Captain he was on duty 24/7. He had too many responsibilities to permit
more than a few days off at a time – if that.
He knew this was not something that Admiral Nelson or the Institute
required of him. But he required it of
himself. He simply did not allow himself
the luxury of acting otherwise. His
actions, on a strictly personal “mission”, had compromised his ability to do
his job, and he wasn’t sure how he could justify that – if only to himself.
He
knew Admiral Nelson held no resentment toward him for his actions that
night. He might not approve of how Lee
had handled the situation but his nod that afternoon in the hospital, when Lee
had told Detective Sabirin that it was just something he had to do by himself,
told him Nelson understood his need to deal with the past on his own
terms. Nelson had not mentioned the
incident again. While grateful, Lee
wasn’t ready to admit to himself that that was enough to let himself
off the hook for what he knew he’d put his boss, his mentor, his friend,
through until they’d found him.
Suddenly
Lee’s ears started ringing loudly and his vision blurred, reminding him
abruptly just how far from healed he still was. He needed to sit down – now! There was a fairly high sand dune not far
away that offered some protection from the wind. Lee slowly walked over and lowered himself
carefully against it. Despite the tape
that kept his ribs bound tightly, he pulled his legs up and wrapped his arms
around them, staring out at the waves.
They mirrored his thoughts – tormented and restless.
And
look what I did to Chip! The two had been friends
since their first days at Annapolis.
They’d gone in separate directions after graduation but had made the
effort to stay in touch through the years.
Reunited on Seaview they were closer than ever. And Lee had basically lied to his
friend. Implied he was staying in his
cabin, and the instant Chip’s back was turned had run off. How could Chip ever forgive him? Hell, how could he forgive himself, putting
their friendship, the trust in each other that had sometimes been all that
stood between Seaview and her crew’s survival or destruction, in jeopardy. Chip hadn’t been quite so quick to forgive Lee
as Nelson seemed to have been. Oh, his
rage hadn’t lasted long. By the time Lee
had returned to Seaview from the hospital Chip had been back to his old self,
teasing and cajoling. Or at least he
seemed to be back to normal. Lee
couldn’t be sure. As close as they were,
Chip had a knack for sometimes hiding his real feelings even from him.
Lee
sighed heavily and rested his chin on one knee.
How will I know if I’ve irrevocably destroyed that bond? Will Chip say anything? No, Lee decided. If he hadn’t already, Chip would say nothing
more on the subject. So, I find out
the next time I really need him, and he tells me where to shove it. Another huge sigh escaped, and as Lee
hugged himself tighter thought, At least Jamie would be happy I’m breathing
deeply. What is it he’s always fussing
about? When someone has injured ribs, shallow breathing leads to pneumonia?
Movement
far down the beach briefly caught Lee’s attention. Someone apparently as dumb as him was making
their way along the beach, head down, pushing against the strengthening
winds. But as quickly as the figure was
spotted, it was forgotten in Lee’s anguish.
So,
can I bring it up to Chip? Lee heaved a huge sigh. Had ten days to do it. Didn’t even make the
attempt. How the hell do I do it
now? He’d had lots of
opportunities. Actually, Chip had even
set him up to talk, now that he thought about it. Every night after Lee left Sick Bay, Chip
would show up in Lee’s cabin around 2100 with hot chocolate, and once or twice
Cookie’s double chocolate brownies.
Those two items had always been Chip’s standard cure for whatever
happened to be wrong at the moment. Was
he waiting for me to say something? Lee
snorted derisively at himself. Of
course he was, stupid. You were just too
dumb to see it. Lee closed his
eyes. Damn! All you wanted to talk about was Seaview’s
status, crew assignments, and the next cruise – which you’ll probably miss,
thanks to your own pig-headed stubbornness.
He was giving you every opportunity, and what did you do? Blow him off!
Lee
shivered, and wasn’t sure it had anything to do with the lowering
temperature. How many times had he
stopped crewmen from acting rashly in the face of whatever disaster was
happening at the time? How many times
had he counseled them that their duty was first to Seaview and the Admiral, and
last to themselves? On top of
everything else, what cracks have I put in my credibility with them? All I had to do was ask for help, and every
last one of them would have followed me to hell if necessary. And now…?
A very miserable Lee dropped his head until his forehead rested on his knees. So lost in his distress was he, the person he’d spotted earlier was nearly on top of him before he noticed. He nearly startled like a frightened rabbit, then realized it was Chip. He covered it quickly with a blustered, “What are you doing here?” Thankfully Chip seemed to ignore both reactions, just giving Lee a small smile and folding his long frame to sit down to Lee’s left. Lee’s voice lost most of its harshness as he continued. “Thought you had plans for this evening.”
Chip
nodded. “Spending it with a friend,” came the soft response.
The grin broadened as he brought up his left hand, in which he was holding
two bottles of beer Lee hadn’t until then noticed. Chip twisted off both caps and dropped them
into his jacket pocket before extending one bottle toward Lee.
Lee
hesitated. “What, no cocoa?” he finally
managed to get out.
“These
were easier to carry.”
“Not
sure that’s on my list of approved meds.”
“What
Jamie don’t know won’t get us both killed,” Chip’s
grin widened even more. “Besides,” he
added, “checked with Frank. Since we
both figured you’d not be too conscientious about taking your pain meds,” and
his voice hardened just a bit before he continued on in a tone more back to
normal, “he didn’t think one beer would hurt.”
Finally Lee gave him a small answering smile and took the proffered
bottle.
The
two sat in amiable silence for a bit, but Lee’s mind was still in turmoil. Once again Chip had given him the perfect
opening and he didn’t even know how to begin.
“I’m sorry,” he finally said, so softly he wasn’t even sure if Chip
could hear him over the wind and waves.
“For what?” Chip’s voice held genuine
puzzlement, as did his expression when he turned to Lee.
Lee
gave his friend a look of incredulity before saying simply, “I wasn’t honest
with you.”
“So?”
and Chip took a long drag from the beer bottle.
“I sure as hell wouldn’t have let you go if you’d told me your
hair-brained plan.”
Lee
just stared at the look of gentle humor Chip was giving him. Finally he got up the courage to ask, “You’re
not angry?”
“At
the time,” Chip replied, “ticked as hell.”
Just for a moment his voice was hard.
“Not knowing what was going on, where you were, nearly killed me.” But both voice and expression softened again
before he continued. “Once I knew what
had happened, I understood.”
“You
did?” Lee breathed softly.
“Sure. Mr. Invincible rides again.” It came out lightly, but there was a brief
bit of steel in the blue eyes before Chip smiled again. “I know you felt you had to deal with
Hardjono yourself. You were wrong, but
that’s no nevermind now,” and he gave Lee a quick smile. “Hell, under the circumstances I might have
done the same thing.” Chip shrugged and
took another long pull from the bottle.
“Then you’d have come totally unhinged,
threatened to drag my tail behind the boat all the way home, and that would
have been the end of it.”
Lee
just shook his head and went back to staring out at the angry ocean. But with that revelation came
the courage a few minutes later to ask, “What’s the crew saying?”
“About what?”
“My running off like that.” Lee sighed
heavily. “I know they’d never say or do
anything in front of me. But how many
are grumbling because I did what I’m all the time telling them they can’t?”
Chip
laughed out loud. “Are you kidding? You’ve given them a whole new tale to impress
their buddies with down at BZ’s. Inside
of 48 hours they’ll have you taking on the whole Chinese mafia.” Chip laughed again. “By the end of the week my ‘In’ basket will
be overflowing with new applications.
Which, by the way, I’m dumping in your ‘In’ basket,” and Chip’s
grin was brilliant. “Jamie’s going to
have you glued to a desk job big time,” and he chuckled as Lee laid his
forehead back on his knees. Lee wasn’t
sure how long he’d stayed that way when he felt a hand on his shoulder. “Lee?” Chip asked softly, and Lee finally
raised his head, but still didn’t say anything.
“What’s wrong?” Chip continued, his voice
suddenly full of concern.
But
Lee wasn’t sure he could put the demons into words just yet. He gave Chip a quick grin, although he wasn’t
sure how effective it was, and rested his chin on his knee.
“Are
you thinking Jamie’s still angry at you?” Chip asked softly.
“No,”
Lee answered honestly, just continuing to stare ahead.
“Because
he’s not,” Chip went on. “Now, if he
finds out about this little stunt,” Chip chuckled, “you’re on your
own.” Lee turned just enough to give
Chip a quick smile, never taking his chin off his knee, then turning back to
the ocean. “Lee?” Chip prodded gently.
“Screwed
up, big time,” came out miserably, without movement on Lee’s part.
“You
weren’t exactly firing on all cylinders,” Chip agreed. Lee just grunted disgustedly. “But I don’t understand. Why are you beating yourself up over this?”
“And
I shouldn’t be?” Lee practically yelled.
His head had popped up and turned toward Chip with the remark, then he
had to close his eyes a moment to get back the focus that too quick movement
cost him. His fist slammed into the
sand. “Look at me,” and his voice was
filled with raw emotion. He opened his
eyes again to glare at his friend, but they carried no anger, except at himself.
“It’s
not like you weren’t motivated,” Chip reasoned.
“Not
to do anything this dumb,” Lee mumbled and put his chin back on his knee with a
huge sigh, staring out to sea.
“Excuse
me, but I saw that note, too, you know.
Once I stopped threatening to plant my foot in your backside,” and he
grinned as Lee, without lifting his head, turned it just enough to be able to
see him, “I realized you were just doing what you always do – taking care of
the rest of us.”
“Yeah,
right,” came out disgustedly, and Lee returned his gaze to the tormented ocean.
“Hey,
I was on that bus, too, remember. The jerk was threatening us all.” When Lee didn’t answer he went on. “I’d like to think some of your motivation
had to do with saving my incredibly worthwhile hide.” He was pleased that while Lee didn’t move,
the corner of his mouth twitched slightly.
“And while it’s true you didn’t exactly have both oars in the water, it
does make a bit of sense, convoluted perhaps but sense nonetheless, that all
your years of working alone on ONI assignments would kick in and you’d just
deal with it. Which
you did, by the way. By the time
everyone else showed up it was all over but the shouting.”
“But…”
Lee started, then didn’t continue.
“Talk
to me, buddy,” Chip said softly.
After
a long silence, Lee looked in his direction again. “Not sure I can put it into words,” he
admitted painfully.
Chip
grinned. “Told both Jamie and the
Admiral I’d be checking on you, so we’ve got all night before either comes looking
for you. Speaking of which, did you
happen to bring a flashlight?” Lee just
looked at him blankly. “Because of the
storm it’s getting dark earlier than usual,” Chip pointed out. “We should probably head back to your place.”
Lee
didn’t move for a bit, but the one constant he could always count on was Chip’s
logic. He took one more sip of the beer
and handed the still half-full bottle over, chuckling as Chip chug-a-lugged the
remaining contents. Chip stood up, again
curling the fingers of his left hand around both bottlenecks, then waited
patiently as Lee tried to decide how much trouble he was going to have
moving. Finally Lee reached his left
hand out, comforted by the instant and firm grip Chip
gave him. Chip didn’t pull, but
nonetheless supported Lee as he rose slowly and painfully. Lee smiled to himself as Chip patiently
matched his normally brisk pace to Lee’s much slower one. How could I have ever doubted he wouldn’t
be there when I needed him? he thought as the two
made their way back to Lee’s beach house, neither inclined to talk.
But
once back in Lee’s living room, as he made his way toward his favorite chair,
Chip stopped him with a hand on his arm.
“Are you sure you don’t need me to call Jamie?” Chip asked worriedly. “You look like hell.”
“No,”
came out stronger than Lee meant it, and he quickly gave Chip a shy smile. “No,” he continued much softer. “Don’t bother him. I’ll be OK,” and he lowered himself into his
chair, unable to stifle a small groan.
“When
are you due for your next pain pill?” Chip asked, his
expression hardening as Lee just shrugged.
“Where are they?” he demanded.
“Kitchen,”
Lee sighed. “On the windowsill,” and he
stretched out his long legs and closed his eyes. He listened as Chip walked away but didn’t immediately
return. Instead, there were sounds of
cupboards opening and the kettle rattling.
He grinned as he envisioned Chip tracking down the ingredients for and
preparing the inevitable hot chocolate.
Lee didn’t make it much for himself, but he always kept some on hand for
his friend.
Chip
returned about ten minutes later with two mugs of the soothing brew, the tops
nearly covered with floating mini marshmallows.
He handed one of them to Lee, along with two pills Lee recognized as his
pain meds. Lee made a face, which Chip
just grinned at, and downed them with his first swallow of the rich drink. They sat in silence until Lee was about
halfway through his mug, then Chip put his down and
leaned forward.
“OK,
Lee,” and Lee looked at his friend over the top of his mug. “What’s going on between you and Jamie?”
“Nothing,”
Lee answered into his mug, refusing to meet Chip’s eyes.
“Bull!”
Chip snorted. “You didn’t say fourteen
words to him the entire way home.”
“Couldn’t,”
Lee admitted softly.
“Then
there is something going on,” Chip stated triumphantly.
Lee
shook his head. “Not between Doc and
me. Just me.”
Chip
took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“So what is it you think you did to him?” Lee just continued to stare into his mug, and
Chip finally reached out a foot and tapped Lee’s leg. “Sulk all you want, buddy. I’m not leaving ‘til I get an answer.”
“Knowing
you, you’re not leaving anyway,” Lee said, a spark of
humor in his voice.
Chip
snorted loudly, but a grin started to appear.
“There is that,” he agreed.
“However…”
Lee
didn’t say anything for a long time.
“He’s had to put up with so much from me,” he finally got out.
“That’s
a given,” Chip agreed. “Your point
being…?”
“It’s
bad enough he has to deal with what I do to myself on the job. This was…personal.”
“Damn
it, Lee, we’ve been through this already.
It was not. Well, not really,
anyway.”
Lee
was frustrated that Chip wasn’t getting it.
He launched himself to his feet, then had to
stand there a bit, getting the pain his sudden movement had caused back under
control before starting to pace the suddenly confining room. When he finally risked a glance, Chip’s only
movement had been to settle more deeply into his chair. Standing with his back to Chip, staring at
some pictures on the wall, he finally muttered, almost to himself, “This was
different.”
“How?” Chip asked softly.
It
took Lee a few moments to answer. “This
wasn’t a mission. I ran off on what
amounted to a personal vendetta.”
“That’s
it,” Chip said emphatically and abruptly stood.
“I’m calling Jamie.”
“No,”
Lee almost pleaded, turning to face his angry friend.
“Then
think,” Chip demanded. “That’s just the
concussion talking. A healthy Lee Crane
knows Jamie doesn’t just take care of his aches and pains. Jamie takes care of him! You know as well as I do, at least you should
by now, that it makes no nevermind to him why you end up in Sick Bay. He cares enough about you that his only
interest is in making sure you leave in one piece.” With that Chip’s anger left him, and when he
went on it was in a quieter voice. “I’m
not going to stand here and tell you we all totally understand how the old
memories and revelations affected your decision making. There’s no way we could. But I can tell you we accept your decision –
at least for the most part,” he added with a grin. Lee just shook his head. “Now,” Chip continued, a bit of steel back in
his voice, “sit back down and finish your cocoa. I’ll go fix us something for dinner…”
“I’m
not hungry,” Lee said automatically.
“Which
you will eat,” Chip continued slowly without missing a beat, enunciating
carefully. “Then you’re going to
bed. Hopefully, by the time you get up
in the morning your brain will be working.”
“And
if I say no?”
“I’m
calling Jamie,” Chip said emphatically.
“That’s
blackmail,” Lee breathed.
“No
joke, Sherlock,” and Chip grinned evilly.
“Deal?”
Lee
heaved a huge sigh. “Deal,” he
acquiesced, and returned to his chair.
As he sat and picked up his still half-full mug, Chip headed to the
kitchen again. Lee polished off the
cooling cocoa and laid his head against the back of the chair. Wasn’t just the concussion, Chip he
thought grimly and closed his eyes. At least, I don’t think it was, and a
gentle self-mocking smile barely touched his face. No matter, I guess. He could hear Chip checking the fridge. Knowing Seaview was due home today, someone
would have laid in a few supplies to tide Lee over until he could go shopping. Business as usual?
he wondered, thinking about how he was going to react
the next time he ran into anyone from the boat.
Was the tale already being made taller down at BZ’s? Jamie, did I really not destroy the
connection I’ve been able to make with you over the years? Was it just another mission to you, too? Lee opened his eyes and sighed
heavily. Did I really not mess up as
badly as I think I did? Will everything
look different when I stop hurting so much? Please be right, Chip, he
breathed, and waited patiently for dinner to be ready.