SSRN SEAVIEW MEETING CALL
Full Moon contingency plans
Meeting called by: Lt. Cmdr. Morton
Type of meeting: Office plus vidscreen for all non duty personnel
Attendees: All hands not on watch between 1600 and 0600 on 10/31-11/01
Please read: ĎA Hairy Situation, A Hormonal Imbalance or the Rage Withiní; ĎThe Werewolf Chronicles, A Study In lycanthropyí
Be careful where you walk, run, or even hide if the Admiral and /or Skipper mutate before they can be secured. Werewolf fur is thicker than a Manbeastís. But both shed like crazy and fur follicles are pretty slippery things on the deck if you donít use your high tread sneakers to avoid slip sliding accidents.
This type of fur also encourages a lot of dandruff, making life itchy for the rest of us as well as the Admiral and Skipper. In addition, if even a little gets into the ventilation system or is spread by close contact it can easily contaminate the boat.
'Deluxe Dander Dissolver' is probably best to use against the hairy beasts, but plug your noses and try not to get it into their eyes not only to prevent distress but also to avoid later charges of cruelty to animals.†
Everyone will be issued spray bottles of the dissolver. Apply liberally. Best to apply to them from behind, to avoid being attacked, clawed, and perhaps eaten.
†††††††††††† If any gets on your skin, shower immediately as it will probably peal your skin off. (Doc assures me it won't hurt them while transformed.)
Both Werewolf and ManBeast fleas are hardy buggers. Almost indestructible. Just how they happen to appear on the Admiral and Skipper is a mystery but itís not our job to figure that out. Our job is to try to minimize the discomfort the fleas will cause both our commanding officers during and ourselves during and after attacks.
As a precaution, Sickbay will distribute anti itch cream for accidental infestation, as well as vials of liquid flea killer to apply to the Skipper and Admiral If you can catch, subdue, and hold them still long enough. Use caution not to get this on your skin as this formula is not only for killing fleas, but also has had a successful trial run as a hair depilatory. Doc assures me that baldness is only a temporary side effect and the Skipper's always toyed with the idea of shaving his head for a little extra masculine allure to the ladies. (He's always been a fan of Jean Luc Piccard and Yul Brenner.)
Donít even begin to think what many of you are thinking. Itís a given that if the Skipper has an attack heís going to pass out either before, during, or after transformation. He'll need someone to pick him up and carry him back to his cabin or sickbay, depending on his condition.
Be careful. He may come to suddenly. In spite of his lean frame, he's all muscle and heavier than he looks. Back braces for lifters will be available at several checkpoints along the main companionways.
†††††† As you know there is no excuse for a rumpled appearance aboard Seaview, nor excessive odiferous ness.
Hand held steam irons will be available on a rack in the Wardroom along with Febreeze spritzer bottles. Doc assures me that the steam will not burn their fur through their uniforms, and might even curl whatever of it peeks out into a more attractive appearance.†
As you know, being a werewolf or a manbeast uses an incredible amount of energy and we certainly donít want either to go hungry either during or after their ordeal.
Kibble will be piled in all adjoining corners along the length of the boat.
Sweep up any left over crumbs on the deck for the Skipper to snack on later, the craving afterwards a side effect Doc tells me may be permanent. I have already contracted with the Krispy Kibble company for a regular supply.
Full Moon contingency
††††††††† Officers and crew will not, I repeat not have slippy slide contests in the corridors. Almost bumped into Nelson myself and he's howling mad.
††††††††† Have a heart. Please don't use either the Admiral's or my scalp as a mirror either when grooming yourselves for the watch, or just checking to see if you're properly attired.
††††††††† In addition, the laundry will not re-label my uniforms 'Mr. Clean' instead of 'Capt. Crane'. Don't use bleach on them to match my head either.
Get into shape men! New fit rep schedules have been drafted.
Rumples & Wrinkles:
††††††††† Nelson's happy with his rumpled appearance, thank you very much, so don't try to change it.
†††††††††††††††††† Please deliver one of the hand held steam irons to my cabin on the eve of shore leave.† My chest hair's never been prettier.† ††††
Please remove lint and various other debris swept up off deck before serving me bowls of† the stuff. I really prefer it straight without the added seasoning.
Gentlemen, cease and desist. We all appreciate a good shipboard joke, but Jiggs is beginning to wonder if there may be a grain of truth to your 'meeting/reports'.
Yes, copies accidentally got into the mail bag to ComsubPac...in the meantime, I have some little blue bows that fell off the scrapbook Edith sent me that would be just perfect to wind some of that curly chest hair around, Lee. The ladies are sure to be impressed.
††††††††† Gee, I wonder if they'll go with my dress blues...nah, probably get all spoiled from the Kibble dribble.
Lt. Cmdr. Morton
†You know, lee, he may have a point about those bows. Think about how nice the Beast looked when he dated Beauty.
Perhaps it's time I tried that flea dip. Gee, I wonder, will it hurt?
Lt. Cmdr. Morton
††††††††††† Awww, Lee, the ladies will be soooo disappointed your chest hair got all depilatoried. Especially since you're not really bald at all. Oh well, we can't all be 'Jean Luc' .