HILLBILLY LEE!

Written by Winnie [AKA poohbear-29]

"Youíre number cannot be completed as dialled." Nelson slammed the phone back in its cradle and turned his attention back to the man sitting on his desk.

"You want me to what?" Lee Crane, Captain of the Submarine Seaview asked his friend and boss Admiral Harriman Nelson.

"You heard me Lee. I want you to go to Beverly Hills and visit a family named Clampett."

"Thatís what I thought you said. Do you mind telling me why?"

"Not at all. You know the research campaign weíve been working on."

"To clean up the oceans. Yes but what has that got to do with the Clampett family?"

"Iíve been trying to reach Jed Clampett all day but I keep getting the same message, youíre number cannot be completed as dialled. God I hate that message. I think itís time the phone company changed it," he looked into the amused face of his friend. "Whatís so funny?"

"I was just thinking how many times Iíve had the same thought." He said, his eyes sparkling with laughter as he continued, "Ok, so why do you need to reach Mr. Clampett?"

"There seems to be a problem with his banker. I canít get Milburn Drysdale to set up a meeting with Mr. Clampett so I can explain why we need the money. The way heís acting youíd think the money belonged to him instead of J.D. Clampett. Iíd go myself but Chip and I have to finish setting up the computer console. Please Lee, Iím not going to make it an order. Itís just that you seem to be the only one I can send. No one else understands whatís involved and how important this research is."

Lee sat with a half grin on his face, "Swimming pools, Movie stars, Mansions, sounds more like a vacation to me. How can I turn it down? When do I leave." he watched as Nelsonís face relaxed.

"Thank you Lee. You leave at thirteen hundred hours. I already booked your flight." Nelson said as he handed Crane a plane ticket.

"You know me pretty well Admiral." Crane stated.

"I know my two top officers just as well as they know me. These are the papers you need to go over with the Clampett family." Nelson said handing the Captain a large manila envelope. "When they understand everything get them signed and come on home. Thanks again Lee, I know how you hate dealing with paperwork and what you call rich, boorish people."

Lee Crane smiled as he walked out of Nelsonís office thinking how much he did indeed loath paperwork and high society functions, "You owe me one Admiral!" he stated as he closed the door.

********

Lee Crane stared in awe at the large beautiful mansion that stood at Five Eighteen Crestview Drive. The mansion was in perfect contrast to the others he had seen in the area. Where the others had beautifully manicured lawns, sculpted fences and Limousines parked along the front drives this one had animals of all kinds on their front lawn, birds all over the fences and an old rickety truck was the only vehicle in the drive. "Are you sure this is the right place?" he asked the driver.

"Yes sir Captain Crane. Five Eighteen Crestview Drive. This is the place. Should I wait Sir?"

"No. Iíll call when I have everything finished." Lee Crane opened the door, took his overnight bag from the seat and stepped out. He walked to the door, put his bag on the step and waved to the driver. Leaving the bag where it was he turned back to the door.

******

"Jethro, yer gonna git it!" Elly May Clampett screamed as she chased her cousin across the room and to the front door.

Jethro knew if his tomboy cousin caught him sheíd whup him a good one so he ran to the door, pulled it open and flew out the door into the unsuspecting form of a man. Jethro stared as the man fell over a bag and landed with a resounding thump on the concrete walk.

"Jethro, what did ya do?" Elly asked, forgetting all about the fact that she had been chasing her cousin again.

"I dunno. He just tumbled over hisself and his bag. Looks like youíd better fetch Granny. He might be needin doctorin. Hope he ainít dead."

"What in tarnationís goin on ere. Who is dis young fella and what happened to him?" Jed Clampett asked as he stepped out the door and glimpsed the unconscious man.

"Jethro knocked im over Pa. He jus ran right inta im." Elly said while making faces at her cousin.

"I didnít see im Uncle Jed. I opened da door and there he was. Werenít my fault. My dumb girl cousin shouldna been chasin me."

"Donít you be callin me dumb," Elly tried to grab the object of her anger but her father stopped her. "Now you two stop. Elly go fetch Granny. Sheís out at the cee-ment pond makin lye soap and smoking crawdads."

"Yes Pa." Elly said as she went to find Granny.

Just as Jed Clampett stooped down to check on the injured man he heard a low moan escape from his lips. "Donít move young feller, ya might hurt yerself worse. Grannyís on the way."

"MMM, what happened?" Lee Crane asked without opening his eyes.

"Jethro bowled ya over and weíre waitin for Granny to come take a look at ya. So you just lay still now ya ere." Jed told him.

Lee Crane put his hand to the back of his head and tried to pull himself up. "Have to see someone," he said groaning at the hammering he heard in his head.

Granny came running threw the doors with her bag in her hands, "What is it Jed?" she asked kneeling beside her son in law.

"Jethro ran this ere fella over."

"Jethro you big oaf. How many times ave I tole you to watch where youíre goin?" Now young feller, letís ave a look at ya." Using her hands she felt around the back of his head. "Thatís a big lump you got yerself. Jethro hep your uncle tote im up to the company room."

"I...I can walk Maíam." Crane told her.

"Nonsense. Jed and Jethro kin lift ya. Yer head took a bad knock and I betcha yer seein double." Granny said with a grin. "Now do as I say Jed. Tote im upstairs and git him inta bed and put one a yer nightshirts on im."

"You heard Granny." Jed told Jethro as he picked the man up by the feet. Jethro picked the Seaview Captain up by the arms and helped carry him up the stairs to his room. They dressed the man in one of Jedís nightshirts and hung his suit in the closet.

"Uncle Jed. Who do ya think he is?" Jethro asked curious about the man heíd injured, albeit accidentally.

"I dunno Jethro. Weíll ave to wait and see."

Granny came into the room with a bottle marked XXX and she poured a small amount into a glass. "Hold im up Jed, have to git im to drink this." Jed Clampett did as she told him and Granny watched as the young man tried to open his eyes. "Ere ya go young feller. Thisíll take care of the poundin in yer head and hep you get some rest. Thatís it drink er down."

Lee Crane swallowed the fiery tasting liquid and began coughing as it burned a path down to his stomach. When he could finally breathe he turned to the little woman and asked, Ďwhat was that stuff?"

"Thatíll cure whatever ails ya. This ere is Grannyís own Ruma-tiz medicine. Now you jus close yer eyes and rest. Iíll be back to check on you shortly. And donít be hankerin to get outta bed, cause that stuffís gonna knock ya out right and proper.í

Lee Crane felt his eyes closing and realized what the woman told him was right. He was very tired but at least his head wasnít hurting as much. "Good Night." He said as he turned on his side and slept.

"Tole ya itíd put im out. Heíll sleep most of the day and night now. Let my patient rest. Get out all a ya. Iíll keep checkin im. Jethro go finish yer chores."

"But Granny, us sophisticated playboys donít do chores."

"Donít you be sassin me boy. You get them chores done or Iíll take a switch to ya right now."

"Yesím Granny," a disappointed Jethro said as he hurried out of the room.

*******

Chip Morton finished connecting the new deluxe printer to the computer in the control room and stood up. His back ached from lying under the console and he stretched smiling as he heard and felt the telltale cracking of his spine. "OH, that felt good," he said smiling at Harriman Nelson.

"I bet it did. How much more do you have to do before the thing works properly?" Nelson asked.

"Well letís see. We started yesterday and Iíll be finished this afternoon. Iíd say thatís pretty efficient." Morton said with a grin.

"Iíve never known you to pat your own back Chip even when you deserve it. I think itís time I stopped the praise Iíve been giving you." Nelson laughed at the chagrined look on his friends face. "Donít worry Chip, if I ever stop the compliments it would mean that you really didnít deserve them in the first place. I give praise when itís due. You should know that by now."

"Thank you Sir," he said an amused smile back on his face. "Have you heard from Lee yet?"

"No. But itís only been twenty- four hours. Heís probably trying to set up a meeting with the Clampett family."

"What are the Clampettís like?"

"I havenít got a clue. The last time I was supposed to meet with them they cancelled at the last minute and I had to meet with their financial advisor, who also happens to be their banker. The man is a moneygrubber in the worse sense of the word. Iíve been wondering if he even set up a meeting with the family. I hope Lee stays away from him and deals directly with the Clampetts."

"Whatís a money grubber?" Morton asked.

"A money grubber is someone who wonít let go of a dollar to save his own life. Whether itís his money or someone elseís. J.D. Clampett has over twenty-five million dollars in the Drysdale bank and Milburn Drysdale plans to keep it that way. I think thatís why the family wasnít at the meeting. Itís also why I sent Lee. If he can get to the Clampettís maybe he can convince them that investing in the oceans is a way of securing a future."

"Twenty-five million! Thatís a lot of money." Chip stated.

"It certainly is and itís about time that people who can afford it started investing in the things we need to keep this planet healthy."

"I agree Admiral. I must say Iím also a bit envious of Lee. Heís in a rich Beverly Hills neighbourhood filled with beautiful starlets and parties. I bet he finagled himself an invite to one last night while weíve been working to get this thing hooked up. Heís probably got dates set up for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I must say he is a lucky man." Chip Morton grinned mischievously at Nelson.

"Maybe I should have gone myself." Nelson added with a laugh.

******

Lee Crane opened his eyes to an unknown world. He knew he was in a bedroom but that was all he could recall. There was a dull pounding in the back of his head but he had no idea where it was coming from. He watched as a spry old lady came to his bed and smiled good-naturedly at him.

"Howdy young fella. How are ya feelin this mornin?" Granny asked.

"Hello Maíam. I seem to have a bit of a headache," he told her.

"Make no wonder. The way Jethro plowed inta ya." Granny explained. "I donít want to keep callin ya young fella. Wanna tell me yer name?"

Crane looked around the room trying to understand who he was and why he was here. Nothing seemed to make sense. He couldnít remember anything. "I...I donít know. I canít remember." He told her, a nervous, bewildered look on his face.

Granny looked at the young man worriedly. "Musta scrambled yer brains some when ya hit the ground. Donít worry itíll come back to ya. You just ave ta take it easy and give yer brains time to settle back where they belong."

Crane wondered if she was right and closed his eyes. Suddenly he realized he really needed to go to the washroom. "Maíam, I need to use your bathroom."

"Ya donít need ta be takin a bath right now. Ya need to be restin yer head and sleepin."

"No Maíam not to bathe but I have to go." Lee reiterated as he slid his legs over the side of the bed. ĎThis donít seem right,í he thought as he looked at the unfamiliar nightshirt he was wearing.

"OH!" Granny exclaimed. "Let me get Jed ta hep ya."

"I think I can manage on my own," Lee said, not sounding at all confident.

"Oh no ya donít. Ya stay put. Iíll be right back." Granny left the room and returned with her son in law. Together they helped the young man out of bed and into the indoor washroom. "Just holler when yer done and weíll hep ya back ta bed."

"Yes Maíam," Crane said as he closed the door gently.

"How is he Granny?" Jed asked.

"Poor fella canít even remember who he is. Musta hit his head a good one."

"Maybe we kin check his suit, see if he has something in it thatíll tell us who he is."

"Good idea Jed." Granny smiled as the door opened and the young man came out, "letís get you back ta bed where ya belong."

"Iím ok Maíam. Iíd like to stay up. What time is it?" Lee Crane asked.

"Youíve been sleepin fer pert near sixteen hours. Itís almost five in the mornin. If ya really feel up ta it ya kin come have breakfast with us. I took in a pair of Jethroís old cut offs and shirt. Ya take yer time and put im on. Jedíll wait outside yer door fer ya. Do ya mind if I check yer suit to see if thereís something thatíll tell us who ya are. Or you kin do it yerself." Granny told him.

"Where is my suit?" Crane asked shaking his head in confusion.

"In that closet. You just set yerself down and Iíll fetch it to ya," Jed told the young man as he went to the closet and brought out a blue uniform. "Look familiar to ya?" he asked.

Crane shook his head, "I canít say that it does," he said taking the suit and reaching into a pocket. He pulled out a black leather wallet and opened it to reveal a picture of him in uniform. "It says my name is Lee Crane. It doesnít even sound familiar." He told them in a bewildered voice.

"Itís ok, at least we got something ta call you instead of young fella. Get dressed and come on down ta breakfast." Granny said as she led Jed out the door.

"What is it Granny?" Jed asked as she eased the door shut behind them.

"Jed ever hear tell of the family of Cranes livin over towards Pearlís place."

"Come ta think of it yeah. They were one of the poorest families in the hills."

"Thatís the ones. I recollect hearin one of the older sons ran away. I think his name was Leroy."

"The dickens you say." Jed exclaimed.

"Iím sure Jed. Look at him. Skinny runt like him still must be poor. We should keep im here and give him some real food. Heís probably been working in some factry from dawn till dusk and donít eat enough ta keep a bird alive. Let alone a full grown man."

"If yer right Granny we should write his family and let em know heís here."

"How can we find out fer sure? I wouldnít wanna get the families hope up and then he turns out ta be the wrong one."

"Letís give him a chance ta see if his memory returns on its own. Thatíll give you a chance ta put a little meat on his bones."

Granny smiled as the door opened and Crane came out dressed in Jethroís old clothes. They were still a little loose but sheíd soon do something about that. "Can I call ya Leroy?" she asked linking her arm through his and heading for the stairs.

"Leroy, but my card says my name is Lee."

"I know it does but Lee is short fer Leroy so maybe if we call you that yer memory will come back." Granny said reassuringly.

"Makes sense Maíam," Crane said.

"Call me Granny, everybody does." She said with a grin.

"Yes Maíam, I mean Granny." He said smiling.

ĎThat smile would melt the ice off even Mrs. Drysdaleís heart,í Granny thought as she made him sit at the table.

Lee looked at the plate in front of him and frowned, "What is all this?" he asked curiously.

"That thereís pickled buzzard eggs and grits." Jethro told him. "Thems good fer ya. Granny makes the best vittles around."

"Thatís the fella that run you over yesterday. Jethro Bodineís his name. The young lady is my granddaughter Elly May Clampett."

She was indeed lovely, long blonde hair, beautiful eyes that lit up when she smiled, and from what he could see a well formed curvaceous body. Lee smiled at her as he picked up his fork and put a small taste of the grits in his mouth. After a few seconds he started to chew and found they were palatable. He looked at the buzzard eggs but just couldnít bring himself to taste them. Pushing the plate away he looked at Granny, "Thank you Granny. Canít remember ever having grits before. They were good."

"Iím sure yer mother made grits all the time." Granny laughed.

"I donít remember but they couldnít have been this good."

"Thank you Leroy. Jethro is gonna run Jed to the store and buy you something to wear. Canít ave ya runnin around with just one set of clothes." Suddenly there was a loud musical sound and Granny said, "Companies here. Iíll get the door," she said leaving the others alone.

"Strange thing that. Every time we hear that music someone comes to the front door." Jed explained.

"That is strange," Lee Crane agreed. He looked up as Granny came back into the room followed by a man and a woman.

"Leroy. This here is Mr. Milburn Drysdale and Miss Jane Hathaway. He runs the bank where Jed keeps all his millions. This here young fella is Leroy Crane."

"Hello Leroy," Drysdale said barely acknowledging the newcomer in the faded cut-off Levis and one of Jethroís old checked shirts.

Crane held out his hand and Drysdale barely touched it.

"Mr. Clampett, I need to speak with you for a few minutes."

"Sure sit down and join us fer vittles. Granny made extra." Jed told them standing to pull out a chair for Miss Jane.

"No, no thatís ok Mr. Clampett. We have a early meeting but I had to see you first."

"Well set down and tell me why yer here."

"Can we talk in front of him?" Drysdale asked, looking at Lee suspiciously.

"Of course. Leroyís practically family." Granny said quickly.

Jane Hathaway sat in the chair next to Lee Crane and stared lustfully at the Clampetts gorgeous guest. His black hair was dishevelled and curly, he was very lean but she got the sense that he could handle himself in any situation. The cut offs and shirt that Drysdale had looked upon with disdain only added to his attractiveness. He lifted his face and smiled at her and she felt her knees go weak. He was her vision of the perfect male. Even Dash Riprock couldnít hold a candle to this man before her. "Hello Leroy." She said.

"Hello," Lee answered back.

"Leroy, want to hep me slop the hogs?" Jethro asked, hoping heíd have help with his chores.

"Now Jethro, Leroyís done hurt his head. You let him be and do yer own chores. Now git."

"Yes sir Uncle Jed." Jethro said running out the door.

"Now what did you want to see me bout Mr. Drysdale."

Drysdale looked again at the newcomer and figured from the way he was dressed he must have been part of the family. "I have some news about the Grunions," he began as he looked directly at Granny.

"Whatís a Grunion?" Lee Crane asked curiously.

"Land Oí Goshen!" Granny exclaimed in surprise. "Grunions is from the island of Grun. Once in a while they decide to invade us and we have to fight them. How do ya know theyís comin?" she asked turning her attention back to Drysdale.

"I read it in some papers. They could be wearing different clothes from last time, trying to disguise themselves. These ones are said to have gotten hold of some real nice suits. So you have to be real careful Granny."

"I got me a hankeriní ta catch me some Grunions." Granny said with a grin. "We run em off last time and weíll do it again. When are ya expectin em ta get ere?"

"Watch for them over the next few days. Remember what I said. If someone comes to the door wearing a suit and you donít know him or her. They are more than likely from Grun." Drysdale said, a smirk on his face. He knew he was telling the woman exactly what she wanted to hear.

Jane Hathaway held her tongue in check. She knew that Milburn Drysdale was trying to keep a man named Admiral Harriman Nelson away from this family of Hillbillies. Milburn Drysdale was a tightwad. He hated letting his clients take their money out of his bank once it was in there. Nelson was the man Drysdale was referring to as a Grunion. This naive family wouldnít hurt the man but he would be in for a hard time. She wished there was something more she could do but her job was on the line.

"Thank you Mr. Drysdale. Weíll be ready fer em." Granny said. "Go fetch yer gun Jed. Weíll ave to oil em up and get the others ready as well."

"Calm down Granny. Ya know weíre not gonna shoot any one in Beverly Hills. Thank you Mr. Drysdale, Miss Jane. Weíll keep watchin fer em."

"Be careful Mr. Clampett. Remember the Grunions are sneaky. Theyíll tell you almost anything."

"We will. Good day to you," he said as the two guests got up to leave.

********

Jethro had returned and the whole family was busily discussing their best options. Granny wanted to tar and feather them before sending them back to the island of Grun. Jethro and Elly May were in full agreement but Uncle Jed wanted to wait until they were sure what the Grunions planned to do.

Lee Craneís head was beginning to ache once again and he excused himself from the table. Granny followed him up the stairs with a small glass of the Ruma-tiz medicine in his hand.

"Take this Leroy. Doctor Grannyís orders." She said smiling at the young man.

Lee Crane swallowed the fiery liquid in one quick gulp and lay down on top of the bed. His eyes closed and he was soon sleeping soundly. Granny looked at the newcomer hoping that she had found the Crane families lost son.

*******

"Elly May, you know what ta do if one of them Grunions comes ta the door?" Granny asked her granddaughter.

"Dumb girl cousins donít know nothin Granny," Jethro stated.

"You take that back Jethro or Iím gonna whup you good." Elly may yelled angrily.

"Thatís enough Elly May. Now you best be apologisin to yer cousin right now boy or she wonít be the only one that whupís you."

"But Uncle Jed. We sophisticated playboys caint apologise to no girls. Itíll ruin our reputation."

"Do it Jethro or get yerself to the woodshed!" Jed Clampett said sternly.

"Sorry Elly," Jethro said in a low voice.

"Now letís get back to what we do about this ere invasion. I donít want nobody shootiní at the Grunions. You kin take em prisoner but absolutely no shootiní" Jed Clampett stated firmly.

"But Jed what if they shoot first?" Granny asked.

"Weíll deal with that if Ďn when it happens. No shootin. Whereís Leroy?" Jed asked curiously.

"Still dead to the world up in his room. Iím worried about him Jed. He musta rattled his brains really good. Hopefully the headaches will start to fade soon. Boy has he takin a hankerin to my Ruma-tiz medicine. Seems to take away the headache real good." Granny laughed.

"I bet it does. Hopefully he wonít wake with a hangover," laughed Jed.

******

"Well thatís it Admiral. Everythingís up and running." Chip Morton told his superior.

"Great job Chip. Now if Lee would only call with good news from his end."

"You still havenít heard from him," Chip said growing concerned.

"Not since he left. Thatís nearly two days ago. I hope heís all right." Nelson said beginning to worry over Leeís failure to stay in contact.

"Why donít we take a little trip to Beverly Hills and check up on our Captain." Morton asked the beginnings of a plan forming in his mind. ĎVacation in a rich neighbourhood. I can handle that,í he thought with a grin.

"What are you thinking Chip?"

"I was thinking how much I need a vacation and Beverly Hills sounds like as good a place as any. Why should Lee have all the fun?"

Nelson laughed at the younger officer and shook his head. "All right Chip, but we leave tomorrow morning. Thatíll give him enough time to finish the job I sent him to do. Heís only in Beverly Hills. Not much can happen to him there."

"Admiral, this is Lee Crane weíre talking about. The man who can injure himself getting out of bed," Morton said and suddenly both men were laughing hysterically.

"Thatís so true Chip. Just donít ever say it to his face."

******

Lee Crane opened his eyes and stared into the face of a monkey. He sat bolt upright in bed knocking the little animal to the floor.

The little monkey made a sound of pain and Elly May Clampett came running into the room. She bent down and picked the monkey up. As she did the monkey wrapped her arms around her. "Betsy are you ok?" she asked cuddling the whining monkey.

"Iím terribly sorry. Is she all right?" Crane asked, getting up off the bed and walking over to Elly May. He was astounded by this girlís beauty. She wore a simple blue cotton dress with puffed sleeves. White flower shaped buttons ran halfway down the front to end at her slim waist. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a ponytail revealing a face devoid of make up but radiating a natural beauty.

"Betsyís fine Leroy. Twerenít yer fault. She usually sleeps in ere and was probably just checkin you out." Elly told him.

"Iím sorry Betsy. I didnít know it was your bed," he said looking into the monkeyís eyes, a smile on his face.

ĎHe is kinda good-looking,í Elly May thought. ĎMaybe heíll try to steal a kiss and Iíll let him. NO way,í she thought when she realized sheíd been daydreaming. "You better get outta ere Elly, before you kiss him yerself.í

"Is something wrong Miss Clampett?"

"N....Nothin Leroy. Why donít ya call me Elly?" she asked trying to divert her thoughts.

"Ok Elly. I am sorry about Betsy. Hope I didnít hurt her," Crane said looking into Ellyís eyes.

Suddenly Betsy, whoíd been looking at the stranger, reached out and wrapped her arms around Lee Craneís neck.

"Looks like sheís takin a shine to ya Leroy." Elly said and suddenly remembered why sheíd come up, "Granny sent me up ta tell ya vittles are ready."

"How long have I been sleeping?" Lee asked as he carried the monkey out of the room and down the stairs.

"Youíve been sleepin near on seven hours. Granny said ya needed ta rest." Elly explained.

"I guess so," Crane agreed as he headed for the kitchen.

"Not in there Leroy. Weíre havin vittles in the fancy eatin room."

Lee Crane followed Elly May into a room that had a large table surrounded by several chairs. The others were already seated and Elly showed him where he could sit. Before she could take her seat at the table Lee Crane stood and pulled her chair out for her, pushing it in again when she was properly seated.

"Whyíd you do that Leroy, she ainít nothing but a tomboy girl." Jethro said with a laugh.

"Now you be quiet Jethro or Iíll take a switch to you." Granny said silencing the boy. "Youíd do well to learn some things from Leroy, and give up that playboy foolishness."

"Ahh, Granny. Iím a sophisticated Playboy and we have to pick on our dumb girl cousins."

"I donít believe your cousin is dumb. I think she is quite beautiful." Lee told Jethro seriously.

"Thank you Leroy. Yer kinda good lookin yerself." Elly said before she could stop herself.

"Ellyís got a crush, Ellyís got a crush!" Jethro started to chant and laugh at his cousins glowing red cheeks.

"So hep me Jethro, Iíll make you pay."

"Jethro Bodine!" Jed Clampett exclaimed. "One more word and ya lose yer supper and Iíll smoke yer haunches."

Jethro remained quiet and Jed began to pass the food around using the fancy pot passers. Lee looked at the food that was passed his way but didnít recognize what was being offered. Shaking his head he began to explain his problem. "Iím sorry Granny. I just donít know what this is."

"Donít be silly Leroy. I keep forgettin youíve lost yer memory. The one Jed is holdin fer you is possum stew and biscuits, fer dessert thereís Paw-paws. Eat hearty cause you need ta get some meat on yer bones."

"Docís always telling me that."

"Whoís Doc?" Jethro asked.

"I donít know." Crane said drawing a blank on where heíd heard the name. He watched what the others were doing and placed his cup in the hole next to him, ĎThis is not what this table was meant for,í he thought. ĎThen again what would I know?í

"Donít worry none Leroy. Itíll come back ta you." Jed Clampett encouraged him.

"Will it Mr. Clampett? I just donít know." Lee said shaking his head.

"Maybe if we asked ya some questions something will come back to ya." Elly suggested.

"Canít hurt," Crane said as he moved the food around on his plate without touching it.

"Do ya remember where ya come from?" Granny asked and Lee shook his head .

"Are ya from the hills around Bug Tussel?" Jed asked.

"I donít know." Crane answered to sharply. "Iím sorry. Please carry on."

"Are you related to Jebediah and Rachel Crane from the hills?" Granny asked.

Lee held his head as his head began to pound again, "Iím sorry, none of this sounds familiar," he said pushing his untouched plate away he excused himself and went back to his room. He closed his eyes and was soon dreaming of another life on board a Submarine.

******

"Poor boy," Jed exclaimed.

"He didnít touch nary a bite." Granny said shaking her head. "How am I gonna put some meat on his bones if he donít eat nothing."

"Ya canít force him to eat Granny."

"I know that Jed. I just want ta hep him."

"Yer doin everthin a good doctor does fer her patient."

"Thank ya Jed. Letís finish up and get some sleep. Those Grunions could show up at any time and we have ta be ready fer em."

"You just remember what I told ya. No shootin."

"But Jed."

"No buts Granny and that goes fer the young uns as well." Jed told them firmly.

Granny, Jethro and Elly May turned back to the vittles in disappointment.

*******

Lee Crane opened his eyes and crawled out of bed. He felt wonderfully rested. The nagging pain in the back of his head was gone and he dressed himself in the same clothes heíd worn the day before and went downstairs.

He was surprised to see Granny already up and cooking breakfast. "Good morning Granny," he said grinning sheepishly.

"Good Mornin Leroy. Howís yer head feelin."

"Much better, Thanks. I just wish I could remember who I am."

"Iím sure itíll come back ta ya. Why donít ya sit down and Iíll get ya something ta eat." She said as she picked up a plate.

"Iíd just like a coffee if thatís ok."

"Coffee is not breakfast. Iíll make ya some of them grits ya seemed ta like so much yesterday."

"Thanks Granny," he said as he sat at the table. Granny brought him over his coffee and placed sugar and cream next to it. "You know I donít even know what I take in it. Seems kind of strange not knowing little details like that."

"Looking at you, Iíd say youíd use two teaspoons of sugar," Granny said with a grin at the handsome young man before her.

"I think Iíll just try it like this," he said sipping at the strong fresh coffee, "Perfect," he said and looked up as Jethro, Jed and Elly may came through the door.

"Sure smells good Granny. Whatís cookin?" Jethro asked, his stomach grumbling loudly.

"Pickled dodo eggs, grits, hogback and coffee." Granny replied happily. Here was a boy she loved to cook for.

Jed glanced at Lee Crane and shook his head, "Well Leroy, how are ya feelin this mornin?"

"Much better, thank you Mr. Clampett," he answered taking another drink of coffee as Granny placed a plate piled high with eggs, grits and hogback in front of him. "Oh Granny, this is way to much for me. I canít eat all this."

"Well Leroy just eat what ya can. Ya need ta put some meat on yer bones."

Lee smiled as he watched Jethro dig into his plate which was twice as large as his own and wished he had such a hearty appetite. The young man had his plate empty before Lee had eaten a quarter of what was on his own.

"Any more Granny?" Jethro asked hopefully and was rewarded with another helping. He dug into this one with just as much gusto as the first plate full..

"Thereís some new clothes in yer room Leroy. I forgot to tell ya yesterday. Jed and Jethro picked em out fer ya at some little store. Thereís even a pair of swim trunks. At least what they call swim trunks ere in Beverly Hills. Skimpy little things," Granny told Lee Crane.

"Thank you," he said to the family, "Is there something I can do around here to help out? I donít seem to have any money but Iím not afraid of hard work."

"Now you just take it easy fer a few more days. We may be needin yer hep if the Grunions invade like Mr. Drysdale warned us. Jed has more money that weíll ever spend so what would we be needin yours fer?" Granny told adamantly

"Iíll do whatever you need me to Granny,"

"Thatís good cause if they send as many as last time it could be a long hard fight." Elly told him.

"Doesnít the army help you out." Lee asked curiously.

"Naw the army sent us little kids to fight against another invader and only gave em paint guns to use. Weíll do it all ourselves this time."

Lee Crane shook his head in confusion. ĎWhy would the army send kids and paint guns against enemy invaders?í he thought as he watched the family finish the breakfast meal.

"Jethro ya have ta drive me in ta see Mr. Drysdale this mornin." Jed said.

"But Uncle Jed what about the Grunions. I wanna hep Granny catch em." Jethro whined.

"They may not even come today. If they do Leroy and the women folk can handle em. You heard me boy."

"Yes sir Uncle Jed." He said knowing he could never win against his uncle.

********

"Five-eighteen Crestview Drive. This seems to be the right place." Chip Morton told the Admiral.

"Look at all the animals. Must be some kind of birthday party. Looks like a kids petting Zoo." Harriman Nelson stated as Chip pulled the car up to the front door. "Hope Leeís here."

******

Granny watched the Grunions approach the front door and signalled for Leroy and Elly to be ready.

Elly May held a pot in her hands and was standing on one side of the door. Lee Crane was standing on the other side ready to pounce on whoever came through the door. Granny tensed as she saw two men in suits come up to the door. One was young, blonde, and good looking. The other was an older, more mature red head, whose good looks were also obvious to her. "Get ready you two. Here they come." There was a loud knocking and Granny opened the door. "Come in," she said.

*******

Harriman Nelson looked at the hillbilly lady in front of him and tried to hide his surprise at seeing her in these luxurious surroundings. "Thank you maíam." He said as he stepped into the foyer followed by Chip Morton.

*******

"Now!" Granny yelled and Elly May struck Nelson resoundingly in the back of the head with the pot. Lee Crane swung his upraised fists down on the back of Mortonís head just as the blonde man realized what was happening. He slumped to the floor beside the Admiral. "Good job Elly and Leroy. You sure knocked em senseless" Granny cried excitedly.

Elly May looked closely at what they were wearing and remembered what theyíd been told about this new breed of Grunion. "Mr. Drysdale was sure right when he said the Grunions had changed their appearance Granny. Look at the duds on these two roomers."

"Havenít the time right now Elly. Leroy," when he didnít answer she repeated his name, "Leroy!"

Crane shook his head and pulled his attention away from the unconscious men lying on the floor. "Sorry Granny. What did you want me to do?"

"Tie em up and weíll fetch em out ta my cabin. Make sure them ropes is good and tight, canít let them escape and warn any others that might show up ere. Gag em too!" Granny told him.

"Yes Maíam." Crane stated as he bound his friends hand and foot, then tied a kerchief over their mouths. Granny and Elly lifted Mortonís feet and Lee grabbed him under his arms. Between them they soon had the two men secured in Grannyís cabin. "Leroy, you keep an eye on em, while I make sure thereís no more lurkin outside. And donít let em talk. Theyíre silver tongued devils and they can charm ya into lettin em go."

"Yes Granny," Lee Crane said, confused over the mixed feelings he was getting from the two men lying in a heap on the bare floor.

"Leroy, you sure yer ok?" Elly asked worriedly.

"Iím fine Elly. Thereís just something about these two men. I canít shake the feeling that Iíve seen them before." Crane said his eyes narrowed in concentration. The memory slipped away and he smiled at her, "Iíll be fine. You go help Granny."

"Ok Leroy. Watch em, theyíre sneaky."

"I will Elly," he said with a grin.

Lee sat in the rocking chair wondering why he felt so badly about these two men. He couldnít recall where heíd seen them before but the faces were definitely familiar. Maybe heíd fought against them before. He caught sight of his reflection in an old mirror on the opposite wall. Slowly he walked towards it and stared at the stranger who looked back at him. ĎHow can I not recognize my own face? Maybe Jethro should be calling me the dumb hillbilly cousin.í He laughed and his mind continued to drift away from the reality of the moment. ĎHowdy I be cousin Leroy from way back in them thar hills. Leastways thatís what folks roun ere keep telling me. I jus dunno who the heck I am.í

******

Chip Morton stared at his friend and Seaviewís Captain. He couldnít believe the change in the man in just two days. His usual immaculate bearing was gone and in its place was an unknown hillbilly. He stared at the cut off tight blue jean shorts, white sleeveless t-shirt and running shoes. Lee wore no socks but a straw hat was perched on top of his head. If not for the seriousness of the situation Chip would have laughed. ĎWhatís come over you?í he tried to ask but couldnít make the sound come through the gag in his mouth.

********

Lee began laughing loudly until he heard a gasp from behind him. The blonde man had his eyeís open and was staring at him. "Whatís yer problem? Ainít ya ever seen a dumb hillbilly afore?" he asked, not realizing he was talking like the Clampetts. "Ya ainít gettin outta ere till Granny says so. Now you jus lay there and keep yer yap shut."

*******

Nelson heard the familiar voice speaking the unfamiliar words but could not believe what it meant. Seaviewís captain was holding them prisoner. ĎHe must be out of his mind!" he thought as he listened to the words. Finally he opened his eyes only to shut them against the blinding pain he felt. ĎSlowly Harry. Open them slowly.í He opened his eyes and even though he was prepared to see his Captain he was not prepared for what heíd become. ĎWhat have they done to you Lad?í he tried to ask, but his words sounded muffled by the gag..

******

"Leroy, you ok?" Granny asked as she came into the little mountain cabin.

"Fine Granny, the prisoners are awake." Crane called.

*******

Nelson and Morton were shocked at the sight of the little spectacled grey haired lady holding an old shotgun on them. They glanced around the small cabin and thought they must have been taken out of Beverly Hills while theyíd been unconscious. ĎWhoís behind the kidnapping and what have they done to Lee?í each man wondered.

******

Granny leaned down close to the face of the older man, "Yeah this one ereís a Grunion all right. Look at that red hair. Betcha he donít have no gumption. Makes all the others do his work fer him. That right fella, you one of their leaders?" she asked poking him none to gently in the ribs.

Nelson pulled away from the woman who looked so frail but was surprisingly strong and wily.

"Iím gonna leave you two tied up in ere while we take care of some things. You Grunions had better not try ta escape because Ellyís pet will be right outside the door. Wanna see er pet? Elly bring Wishbone in here." Nelson, Morton and even Lee Crane gasped at the sight of a large lionís head poking in through the door.

Chip couldnít help but notice the enticing blonde bombshell holding the lions leash. He just wished she would get rid of the animal.

"Ok Elly tie em outside the door. No need ta keep a guard posted with him there. Come on Leroy," she said looking at Crane. "Letís go get some vittles."

Lee followed her out the door wondering why he should feel sorry for the two captive Grunions. These people were good to him and he had to do everything he could to help them. But still the familiar faces nagged at his mind and he could feel the beginnings of another headache. "Granny are you sure theyíre Grunions?" he asked through the haze of pain.

"Sure Iím sure Leroy. Theyíre exactly as Mr. Drysdale described em. Didnít ya see those blue suits they was wearin?"

"I saw them. But I just canít help thinking theyíre not what you think they are."

"Well then young un you stop thinking and Iíll look after the rest. You look like yer ready ta fall over. Why donít you go rest awhile. Iíll call ya when vittles are ready."

"My head is pounding again. Maybe youíre right, I do feel kind of tired."

"You look pert near done in. Go on up ta yer room and Iíll bring ya up something to hep ya sleep. Now git." Granny told him.

"Yes Maíam," he said with a painful grin on his face. He made it to his bed before the blinding pain became unbearable. Granny arrived and held him while he drank the fiery liquid and he was soon sleeping soundly.

******

"Elly watch those two. Iím going to take yer gags out but I donít want any talking. Understood." Both men nodded and she removed the gag from Nelsonís mouth first. "Not a word. Just drink this ere water and keep quiet or yer friend wonít get none." Nelson swallowed the water and Granny replaced the Gag.

She turned her attention to Morton and as she removed the gag he tried to speak, "Who are you and what.......?" the gag was shoved back in his mouth.

"I warned ya not ta talk. Now ya can do without any water or food till Jed gets back." She said as she left the two men alone in the cabin.

Once they were alone the two men moved closer together and began working on the ropes that held their hands behind their backs. They knew Lee Crane and his knowledge of knots would make it almost impossible for them to break free but they had to try.

*******

Lee Crane stood up and realized the headache was gone. He pulled on the new swim trunks the Clampett family had bought him and headed for the pool heíd seen in the back yard.

Elly May was on her way down the stairs as Crane came out in his bathing trunks. She put two fingers in her mouth and let out a shrill whistle. "Yee-haww Leroy. You fixin to go fer a swim in the cee-ment pond?"

"Sure thing Elly. It seems as if itís warmed up outside."

"Want some company?" she asked.

Crane smiled at her, "Iíd love some."

"Iíll get us some towels and meet you there." Elly said enthusiastically watching Crane as he walked the rest of the way down the stairs. ĎDash Riprock ainít got nothing compared to you Leroy Crane,í she thought.

******

Lee stood on the diving board studying the small mountain cabin. The Clampetts had set it a good distance from the mansion. He couldnít get the cabins two occupants out of his mind. ĎWho are you two?í he wondered. He knew instinctively the men were not in any real danger. This family was so down to earth they wouldnít hurt anyone without good cause. Even the lion at the cabin door seemed timid and docile. He wondered if it would allow him to enter the cabin without any of the Clampetts with him. He vowed to try later that night if he had the chance.

"What are ya thinking about Leroy? You afeared of the water?" Elly asked as she sat on the edge of the pool.

"Not at all Elly." He said with a smile as he dove into the pool and swam swiftly in her direction.

Elly May watched as Crane pulled himself out of the pool. Water fell from his wet black hair onto his lean tanned chest where it seemed to take on a mind of itís own. The moisture rolled down his torso to be stopped at his waist by the skimpy bathing trunks he wore. Elly smiled as she followed the course of the water dripping slowly from his trunks onto his long bare legs where it proceeded on itís natural course to end in a small pool at his feet. "You sure are a looker Leroy!" she said not realizing she had spoken aloud.

"Thank you Elly May. You sure are a looker yourself." He answered making the girl blush even more. They stared at each other until neither could hold back the laughter anymore.

They were finally able to get themselves under control and Lee was the first to speak, "Can I ask you where you got all the animals?"

"I found some of em. But most of em found me. Take Wishbone over there. He was abandoned in a park as a kitten and they were gonna put him in a cage at a zoo. I talked Pa inta gettin him fer me. I keep him on a leash and at night I put him in a cage for his own safety. Heíd never hurt a flea. Just a big ole playful pussycat. I love all my critters and I look after em."

"Where did you get a name like Wishbone for a lion?" Crane asked curiously.

"Well the day he came ere Granny had cooked a turkey. Wishbone managed ta get hold of it. And before anyone could get it away from him the only part left was the neck and wishbone. The name kinda suited him after that." Elly laughed.

Lee found it easy to laugh along with the girl, "How many critters do you have besides Wishbone and Betsy?" he asked.

"Iíve lost count. I pick up any stragglers I find that need a home. Grannyís always complainin but I think she likes it when they curl up around her feet."

"Granny seems to be a bit of a softy when it comes to people or animals in need."

"She is but jus donít say it to her face."

"I wonít. Believe me. Well I think Iím going for another swim. Care to join me?"

"Beat you to the other end Leroy!" Elly shouted as she dove in and swam briskly across the pool. Lee Crane caught her about halfway to the other side and they raced to the finish. Crane barely beat the athletic girl.

"You win." Elly said with a heart-stopping smile.

"What do I win?" Crane asked mischievously.

"Now Leroy, you better behave yerself or Iíll have to whup you!" Elly told him a sparkle in her eye.

"How about loser gets the drinks." Crane said laughing at the idea of Elly May giving him a whuppiní.

"What would you like?"

"Does Granny make Lemonade?"

"She surely does. The best. Iíll be right back Leroy."

"Iíll be waiting," he said. Smiling he took a towel from the pile sheíd brought with her and spread it out on the grass. ĎThis is the life,í he thought as lay down and let the suns hot rays dry the remaining water from his body.

*********

Nelson felt one of the knots begin to loosen but knew he still had a ways to go before it would slip from his wrists. He could hear Lee Crane and someone else outside the cabin. From the sounds he heard they were having a good time swimming. ĎWe must be near a river or something,í he thought.

******

ĎWhatís come over you Lee? Why are you helping these people?í Morton thought. ĎWhat have they done to you?í He began to concentrate on getting the knots undone. ĎThe least you could have done was use easier knots. Iíll make you pay for this when I get out of here my friend.í

******

Lee Crane finished showering after his swim and went to check on the prisoners. He was dressed in blue bib overalls with a red plaid shirt. Elly had added a blue kerchief around his neck and he was beginning to feel as if he belonged here. He walked out of the kitchen and began strolling towards the cabin. Wishbone looked at him and yawned sticking his tongue out and licking his lips. Lee had the distinctive feeling the cat was picturing him as a big turkey, trussed up and ready to eat.

"Nice Kitty. Thatís a good kitty." Lee said quietly and calmly as he carefully made his way to the door. The big cat followed his every move until he was inside the cabin. He closed the door gently and leaned back against it sighing in relief.

The two men were still sitting where he had last seen them. He walked over to the blonde haired man and stared at him curiously. Turning away from the blonde he studied the red haired mans face in the same way. Concentrating on the captives he tried to remember where heíd seen them before. "Do I know you?" he asked and was surprised when both men nodded their heads vigorously.

"Leroy! Where are you?" Grannyís voice sounded from just outside the cabin.

"In here Granny. Just checking on the prisoners." Lee shouted back.

Granny came in the door and smiled at the scene before her. Crane was leaning over the blonde man checking his ropes. "Make sure they canít untie them Leroy."

"I am Granny. Why were you looking for me?"

"Jed and Jethro just came back from seeing Mr. Drysdale. Heís called a family meeting and since you may be kin he wants ya there." Granny explained happily.

"I wish I knew for sure Granny," he said, his voice sounding so forlorn that Granny couldnít resist wrapping her arms around him in a bear hug.

"Wait and see Leroy. Itíll all come back to ya, and if it donít then you can stay with us as long as ya want."

"Thank you Granny. I just may take you up on that."

******

Nelson and Morton looked at each other, the same questioning look on their faces. ĎLeeís memory is gone. No wonder heís helping these people.í

Nelson successfully pushed the gag out of his mouth and was able to speak. "Chip, we have to get out of here. Lee doesnít know what heís doing."

Chip Morton nodded his head in agreement but was still unable to loosen his gag. All he could do was listen to the Admiralís theories.

"Iím sure this Jed they mentioned must be Jed Clampett, but if thatís the case why are we being held prisoner? What could have happened to Lee to cause his memory loss? Iíd really like to get my hands on Milburn Drysdale. I think heís behind all the problems weíre having." Chip just kept nodding in agreement. "All right Chip, letís get back to work on these ropes. The quicker we get out of here the quicker we get some answers." He said turning his back on the other man and feeling for the ropes.

*******

"Iíve called you all ere to get yer opinions on somthin I think is very important. First of all as soon as this family meetin is over weíre gonna release the two men you have back in the cabin."

"But Jed, theyíre the enemy." Granny protested.

"Ya donít know that fer sure Granny and until we hear their story we canít keep em ere."

"Ahh Jed canít we strip to their under garments and ride em outa town on a rail?" Granny pleaded.

"No Granny. Things like that jus ainít done in Beverly Hills." Jed Clampett told her.

"Well I vote we take em back to the hills." Jethro yelled with boyish enthusiasm.

"Me too," Granny and Elly May said in unison.

"This is our home now and we ave ta abide by city folks rules in some matters. These men may not be Grunions but even if they are they may not be ere to invade our home. What do you have ta say about all this Leroy?" Jed asked.

Lee Crane looked at the Clampett family and knew he would never really fit in here. This kind of life was not for him, "I donít know Uncle Jed. For some reason those men seem familiar to me but I just canít place them. I donít think theyíre our enemies. I think Mr. Drysdale is wrong," he stated firmly.

"Mmm, thatís interestin Leroy because Iíve been havin my own doubts. Mr. Drysdale admitted ta me that he mighta been wrong about a Grunion invasion. I went ta see him today and I asked Miss Jane if she knew anythin about a man named Admiral Harriman Nelson. She tole me that he was tryin to get some money for cleanin up the oceans and the like. Iíve tried to call Admiral Nelson myself but his secretary said he was on his way up ere to look fer a missin man. Never mentioned his name but Iím thinkin itís you Leroy. Does that name Harriman Nelson sound familiar ta you?"

"Not at the moment Uncle Jed. I wish I could say yes but I just donít remember." Crane told him.

"So thatís why I wanna talk to these two men Granny. I wanna find out who they are." Jed explained. "They might be able ta tell Leroy exactly who he is."

"Yer right Jed. Letís go get em." Granny said unable to hide the disappointment in her

voice.

"You stay where ya are Granny. Me, Jethro and Leroyíll go get em and bring em up ere. Letís go boys." Jed Clampett said opening the door.

******

Nelson sighed with relief as he felt the ropes slip from his wrists. He quickly moved to help Morton out of his. Chip pulled the gag from his mouth and was about to speak when they heard someone approaching the door. They took up positions on either side and listened as two voices began speaking just outside. Not recognizing either voice they pounced as soon as the door opened. Chip was unable to stop his fists from striking the familiar form as it came through the door and Lee Crane slumped to the floor for the second time in as many days.

Nelson swung at the large young man whoíd followed Lee through the door. He connected with Jethroís chin but never even made the boy flinch. Jethro went to swing back but found his arm held in check by his uncle.

"Donít do it boy!" Jed Clampett stated firmly.

"But he hit me Uncle Jed!" protested Jethro.

"He didnít know we was jus comin ere ta talk. Now move outta the way so I can check on Leroy."

"Yes Sir, Uncle Jed," he said petulantly.

"How is he?" Jed asked as he knelt beside Harriman Nelson and Chip Morton.

"Out cold." Chip answered, "I didnít know it was Lee, Admiral."

"I know Chip and Iím sure Lee will understand." Nelson tried to reassure him.

"You wouldnít be Admiral Nelson would you?" Jed Clampett asked.

"Yes. Who are you?"

"Jed Clampett. I think you and I ave some things ta discuss. Somthin about saving the oceans and all. But first I think we better get Leroy ere back ta the house."

Nelson stared at the man in the faded jacket, white shirt and weather beaten hat. There was something about this man that made him feel at ease. "Youíre right Mr. Clampett," he acknowledged before turning his attention back to Crane, "Chip letís get him on his feet. Will you lead the way?" he asked Jed.

"Follow me. Jethro run on up ta the house and let Granny know Leroyís been knocked out again."

"Yes Sir Uncle Jed." Jethro was out the door before Nelson and Morton had Crane on his feet.

******

"Granny, Uncle Jed told me ta tell ya Leroyís been hurt again." Jethro yelled as he ran into the kitchen.

"That poor boy. What did those two goo-mers do ta him? Elly fetch my bag."

"Yes Granny," Elly said as she ran to do as sheíd been told.

"Well where is he Jethro? And whereís Jed? Ya didnít leave em at the mercy of those two did ya? Iíll take a switch to ya if ya did Boy!"

"No Granny, I sent the boy ta tell ya we was bringin him up."

Granny stared at the two men who were half carrying, half walking the young man sheíd grown to care about over the last two days. "What happened ta him?"

"I hit him Maíam. I didnít know it was Lee." Chip Morton explained.

"Who are ya?" Granny asked.

"Iím Commander Chip Morton and this man is Admiral Harriman Nelson. Leeís a friend of ours."

"Some friends." Granny stated, "Letís get him up to his room and Iíll check him over," she told the two newcomers.

"Are you a doctor Maíam?" Nelson asked.

"Doctor, of course Iím a doctor. Iíve was doctorin country folk before you was born."

"Sorry Maíam, I didnít know. Maybe we should take him to a hospital. He may need X-rays." Nelson said not at all sure this woman was a real Doctor.

"I took care of him when Jethro knocked him over. Iím certain I can take care of him again. Now bring him up ta his room." Granny said clenching her hands into fists at her side and biting her bottom lip in anger.

Lee Crane groaned suddenly and opened his eyes. "What happened?" he asked as he took in the dishevelled condition of his two friends.

"Take it easy Lee. You took quite a blow to the head." Nelson told him.

"I remember. Somebody knocked me flying just before I knocked on the door. But why are you two here and who are these people?"

"We came here looking for you," Morton answered. "Donít you remember anything?"

Elly May came into the kitchen with Grannyís bag. "Are ya ok Leroy?"

Lee looked at the beautiful girl who had called him Leroy and the memories of the last two days came back to him in a rush. Cut offs, checked shirts, straw hats, running shoes, grits, possum, Grannyís ru-matiz medicine, eating at the pool table, hitting Chip Morton as heíd come through the door, tying up the Admiral and Chip and then throwing them in Grannyís cabin. ĎMaybe Iím better off not remembering.í He thought as he looked into the worried faces of the group in front of him. "Fine Elly," Lee told her as Nelson pushed him into a chair.

"Leroy are ya sure ya donít want ta lie down?" Granny asked as she looked into his eyes. "Thatís twice youíve had yer brains scrambled."

"Twice?" Crane questioned.

"Yeah this ere fella smacked you a right good one. You flew across the floor." Jethro said with a grin.

"You hit me Chip!" Lee stated, touching the lump at the back of his head.

Morton glared at Jethro before turning back to explain to his friend, "I didnít know it was you Lee. The Admiral and I were trying to escape. Wait a minute here, donít you go getting mad at me. You were helping these people hold us in that cabin."

Lee Crane looked sheepishly at his friend, "To tell you the truth Chip, Iím the one who hit you over the head when you and the Admiral first arrived. Iíd say that makes us even. Iím sorry Admiral I didnít get the papers signed."

"Thatís ok Lad. You just take it easy and Chip and I will talk with the Clampetts." Nelson told him.

"Mr. Drysdale tole me why you were trying ta see me Admiral. He has some mighty big apologies ta give out when he comes over in the mornin. I tole him ta bring whatever papers I need ta sign to hep ya in yer effort to save the oceans. Why donít we ave vittles in the fancy eatin room and weíll let it set a spell. Besides looks like Leroy, ah Lee needs ta rest fer awhile."

"Thank you Mr. Clampett. Chip and I will take Lee with us and weíll be back tomorrow to go over the papers."

"Now donít you be so foolish. We ave plenty of room ta put you fellas up. Besides Leeís already got his own room and it looks like thatís where he should be." Clampett told them. "Elly you show these fellas the extra company rooms and Jetrhoíll fetch up yer bags."

"That reminds me Mr. Clampett," Crane began, not feeling right calling the friendly hillbilly Uncle Jed anymore.

"Now see ere boy you can still call me Uncle Jed. After all we thought you were part of the family and once yer in itís mighty hard ta get out." Jed laughed.

"Uncle Jed it is then. Did anyone see the bag I had when I came here?"

"Canít say I ave. Jethro, Elly, Granny ave any of you seen it?" All three shook their heads at the question. "Weíll look fer it while yer restin Lee," Jed Clampett stated.

"Heís right Lee. You go rest. Weíll help with the search. Thank you for the rooms Mr. Clampett." Nelson told his friend.

Lee Crane grabbed the table as stood on wobbly legs. Chip immediately took his arms and steered him out of the kitchen and up to his room.

"Yer welcome Admiral, besides itíll be nice havin a full table fer supper tonight. Right Granny?" Jed asked.

"Right you are Jed." Granny answered happily as she realized sheíd have a big crowd at the table tonight, "I ave ta get busy." She whistled the tune ĎI wish I was in Dixieí as she began preparing the meal they would share with the newcomers.

"Yee-haw, fancy eatin tonight," Jethro yelled excitedly.

"Letís see if we can find that missing bag. Jethro you check out around the front grounds. Admiral Nelson and me can take the backyard and the critter pens. When Elly and that young fella you had with ya come down they can hep us out. Holler if you find it, if not we meet back ere in an hour." Jed Clampett said in a take-charge voice.

Since it was the Clampett house and Jed had done exactly what he would have done Nelson agreed readily and the search for Leeís missing bag began.

*******

Lee Crane couldnít sleep. Too many things were running through his mind. He was thinking how much fun Chip was going to have when they returned to Seaview and he told the crew about finding Lee dressed as a hillbilly. There was no way out of it. He would just have to put up with it. Morton would never be convinced to keep it a secret. They were too much alike and he knew if the tables were turned heíd do the same thing. An idea began to form in his mind and he grinned from ear to ear. ĎMaybe it wonít be that bad. Yeah right, who am I kidding. Might as well face facts. The crew will never let me live it down. Iím in for a real good ribbing on this one and it really is kind of funny. Me a Hillbilly. Why not, the clothes are comfortable. Maybe Iíll give Chip even more to talk about. Iíll wear the jeans and shirt the Clampetts bought me. Tonight could be fun after all. Letís see how Chip Morton reacts to Hillbilly Lee.í He thought with a mischievous laugh. His headache began to recede.

As he stood to look out the window his foot struck something protruding from under his bed. Reaching down he pulled out his missing bag. ĎNow where did this come from?í he thought. Opening the bag he found all his papers and clothing exactly how heíd packed them. He look up at the sound of approaching footsteps and wasnít surprised to see Elly Mayís pet monkey standing next to him reaching for the bag. She was wearing a little pink dress tied around the back with a large white ribbon. "Why you little rascal. Are you the one who hid my bag under there." Betsy put her head down and looked up at him with upraised eyes. Lee could only laugh at the monkeys antics. He reached down and picked Betsy up and she immediately put her arms around his neck and planted a big wet kiss on his cheeks. He laughed heartily and was still laughing when he noticed he had an audience, "Oh hello Admiral."

"Lee, I see you have a new girlfriend." Nelson said as he came into the room and reached his hand out to Betsy. The little monkey rubbed her chin on his hand and turned her head so she looked at him upside down.

"This is one of Elly Mayís Critters." Lee said with a grin. "Iím thinking of setting her up with Chip. Sort of a blind date you know. Give me a little fuel to use on him when we get back to Seaview."

"Youíll probably need it. We both know what Chip Morton will tell the crew about your recent escapades."

"Thatís what Iím afraid of." Crane said with a grin.

"Howís your head?"

"Itís better."

"Good. Granny sent me up to tell you supper is in half an hour."

"Iíll be ready Admiral and I found my bag," he said pointing to the bag on the bed. " It seems Betsy here took a shining to it. So you wonít need to ask Angie to send copies."

"Thatís fine Lad. Iíll go let you get ready." he said taking the papers Crane handed him.

Nelson left the room only to be replaced by a grinning Chip Morton. "Hello Lee. Whoís your friend?" he asked pointing to the monkey.

"This is Betsy. I think sheís just your type." Lee said with a grin.

"Now Lee. Are you worried I might tell the crew about Leroy Crane."

"I know you Chip. Youíve probably been on the phone to Sharkey already."

"I tried but heís not answering. Youíll be glad to hear I got hold of Riley though."

"Riley! Oh Iíll get you back for this Mr. Morton!"

"Now Lee, if the rolls were reversed youíd do the same thing and you know it."

"Youíre probably right, but it still doesnít mean I wonít seek revenge." Crane told his friend.

"Donít I know it but for now the fun is all mine. I see you found your bag." Lee nodded his head. "Tell me something Lee whatís Miss Clampett like?"

"Elly May, sheís a beautiful young lady."

"Thatís an understatement Lee. But whatís she like? Think sheíd go out with me?"

ĎNo it couldnít be this easy.í Lee Crane smiled remembering how earlier in the day he had thought about kissing Elly May and her threat to whup him if he tried. ĎOk Mr. Morton you asked for it. Revenge will be sweet. I just hope Ellyís as strong as she lets on.í "Oh sheís great. A bit naive when it comes to matters between men and women but boy can she kiss," Lee told him.

"Really? Iíd have thought sheíd be shy and wouldnít let anyone kiss her. She seems more the tomboy type. Arm wrestling her boyfriends not kissing them."

"Arm wrestling! Sure Chip you go right ahead and arm-wrestle her. I have other things in mind."

"You trying to tell me you and her well, you know?"

"Iím not saying anything of the sort. The girl is wholesome." Crane told him, setting the stage for his revenge. ĎHave to let Elly May in on my plan for revenge. Hopefully sheís all for a practical joke on my pal here. Forget about hillbilly Lee, here comes flipped Chip,í he thought. "Well get out Chip. I have to get ready for dinner."

"All right Lee, Iíll see you downstairs."

******

Lee Crane found his suit hung in the closet. Granny had cleaned and repaired the damage done to it in the tumble heíd taken over his bag. ĎHave to thank that wonderful little woman,í he thought as he buttoned up his jacket. You couldnít even tell where it had been torn.

There was a low knock on the door and Elly Mayís voice asked, "Are you ready Leroy, ah I mean Lee?"

"Come in Elly. I have something to ask you."

"What is it Lee?" She asked curiosity written on her beautiful face. She wore a pink dress with a white ribbon the same as Betsy had been wearing and Lee knew Granny had a hand in making both dresses.

"I was wondering if you would help me with a little practical joke on my friend?"

"What kinda joke and on which friend?"

"Well, the joke would be on Mr. Morton and if you donít want to do it Iíll certainly understand. I shouldnít even be asking you to do this but I canít resist a little revenge."

"Tell me your plans Lee and if I donít like it Iíll tell you. Deal!" she said spitting in her right hand and sticking it out to him.

"Deal," he said as he imitated what she had done. They shook hands and laughed as Lee began to tell her his plan.

*****

Lee and Elly were the last two to enter the Ďfancy eatin roomí and as he went to hold the chair for her he found that Chip Morton had beaten him to the punch. Chip smiled at getting the upper hand on his Captain and friend and Elly May smiled knowingly at Crane as he took his seat on her right. Chip was seated to her left. Granny began to lift the covers off the pots.

Morton and Nelson had quickly gotten over the shock of seeing the beautiful billiard table used as the ĎClampettís fancy eatin table.í They smiled at each other as the family, including Lee began to pass the pots of food with pool cues, or as the Clampettís called them the Ďpot passers.í The delicious aroma of Ďvittlesí wafted around the room and the men of Seaview knew they were in for a treat. They had eaten in so many places and tried so many different cuisines that Grannyís fair didnít bother them at all.

As the pots were passed Granny began to tell them what was in each one, "That there is smoked crawdads, pickled buzzard eggs, possum pie, collard greens, and fer desert we ave my very own jellied peach preserve cobbler."

"Wellll doggies, you sure outdone yerself Granny!" Jed said as he stood to say grace. Every one put there hands together and bowed their heads as the blessing was given.

*******

"Granny, I must say this has been the best meal Iíve had in a long time." Nelson said and was glad to see the happy smile spread across her face.

"Thank you Admiral. Hep yerself to more. I made plenty."

Nelson rubbed his full stomach and shook his head, "Iím afraid I couldnít eat another bite." He looked over and saw that Lee Cranes plate, which had actually contained some food was now empty, "Maybe Iíll have to get some of your recipes for Cookie. Heís always complaining that the Captain never eats enough."

"Captain! Yer a captain Lee?" Jethro asked with boyish exuberance. "What are you captain of?"

"A boat." Crane said simply.

"What kinda boat? Big or small." Jethro asked.

"Pretty big." Crane replied.

Chip Morton shook his head at Lee Craneís modesty, "Jethro, Lee is the captain of Admiral Nelsonís submarine Seaview."

"A submarine, YEE-HAWW," Jethro yelled. "I gotta get me one of those. They takes you under the water donít they?"

"Thatís right," Nelson affirmed.

"Uncle Jed can I ave one? Please." Jethro pleaded.

"Now Jethro, a submarine is very expensive." Crane explained.

"Uncle Jed got twenty-five million dollars in Mr. Drysdaleís bank. He gives me an allowance and I can do whatever I wants with it. A whole fifty cents per week just fer me."

"Well Jethro Submarines cost a lot more than fifty cents," Nelson said and watched as a crestfallen look come over the boys face.

"Uncle Jed," the boy whined petulantly.

"You heard the man Jethro. Ya just have to save yer allowance. No more international playboy."

"But Uncle Jed," he tried again.

"No buts Jethro." Jed Clampett stated. "Admiral Nelson knows what heís talking bout. If he says fifty cents a week ainít enough then we ave ta listen ta him. Now stop poutin and go finish yer chores."

"Yes sir Uncle Jed," he said, slowly getting up from the table. Granny and Elly May began clearing the table and protested when the newcomers tried to help.

"This ereís womenís work." Granny told them, "Jed, you take these fellas outside while Elly and me cleans up."

"You heard her, letís get outta their way."

Everything was soon spic and span in the Ďfancy eatin roomí and kitchen and Granny came out to say good night. Nelson was not surprised that the hillbilly family retired to bed at nineteen hundred hours. ĎTheyíre probably up at the crack of dawní he thought, almost envious of the simple life they led. He wished them good night and knowing they would not go up to bed if their company was still awake he signalled for his men to follow the Clampettís into the house and up the stairs. Morning would come soon enough.

******

Milburn Drysdale glared at his secretary as she pulled into the Clampettís driveway. "You could do this for me Miss Hathaway."

"Oh no Mr. Drysdale. You brought this on yourself and you have to deliver the apology face to face. Remember what Mr Clampett said."

"I know, I know. I have to apologize to Admiral Nelson and his men. I have to remember that Mr. Clampett has final say on what happens to his money and he can take it out of my bank at any time," he pouted. "You donít really think heíll take his money out, do you?"

""It would serve you right. Youíre lucky the Clampettís are not the type to shoot first and ask questions later. Imagine if they had really hurt those two men."

"But Admiral Nelson is asking for a donation to the ocean clean up project. That means the bank gets nothing in return," Drysdale said selfishly.

"But think of the returns and benefits for the world. Cleaner healthier oceans will mean more plant, animal and marine life. I applaud Mr. Clampett for wanting to invest in our planets future."

"You would. Heís not threatening to take his millions out of your bank."

Jane Hathaway stopped the car in front of the Clampett residence. She laughed to herself at the lost puppy look on her bossís face, "Come on Mr. Drysdale. The quicker we go inside the quicker this will all be over with."

"I donít want to." He whined.

"Fine, Iíll go tell Mr. Clampett youíve changed your mind." She watched as her boss opened the passenger door and quickly followed her up to the door of the mansion.

"You wouldnít dear!" he said.

"Try me!" she said, happy to finally have the upper hand over her money grubbing boss.

"Iíll fire you!" he stated.

"That wonít help you keep the Clampett account, and where would you find another secretary whoíll put up with the things you do." She said grinning triumphantly as she rang the doorbell.

******

"There it goes again." Granny said, "Every time that music blares some one comes ta the front door."

"Iíll get it Granny, itís probably Mr. Drysdale and Miss Jane." Jed Clampett said heading for the door just as someone knocked loudly.

"See. Whatíd I tell you. Happens every time." Granny said shaking her head in bewilderment.

"Sure does Granny," Elly answered.

Jed opened the door, "Afternoon Miss Jane, Mr. Drysdale. Come on in. Why donít we all go into the kitchen and you can meet Admiral Nelson and his men."

Granny led the way into the kitchen and they each took a place at the table. Granny began introducing the two groups of people, "Mr. Drysdale, Miss Jane Iíd like you to say howdy to Admiral Harriman Nelson, Captain Lee Crane and Commander Chip Morton. I think you met the captain before but we called him Leroy then cause he couldnít remember who he was."

"Yes, I remember meeting Captain Crane," Jane Hathaway said trying not to openly drool over the handsome men before her. She envied Elly May, wishing she could be the one with three different but equally handsome men under her roof.

Handshakes were given all around and when everyone was once again seated Mr. Drysdale turned his attention to the newcomers. "Admiral, Captain, Commander," he said looking at each man in turn. "Please accept my sincere apology for the way Iíve behaved towards you. I had no right to tell the Clampettís there was going to be a Grunion invasion and I should never have told them that they would look like you. I do apologize," he repeated, and faced his richest depositor. "As Mr. Clampett so eloquently pointed out, it may be my bank but itís his money and therefore he has a right to decide what he wants to do with it. I feel I should apologize to you as well Mr. Clampett. Please leave your money in my bank. I promise to tell you everything we are doing with it," he begged.

"I accept yer apology Mr. Drysdale but I canít answer fer these fellas." Jed Clampett told him.

"Apology accepted. No sense holding a grudge." Nelson said. Lee and Chip both nodded their agreement.

"Thank you Mr. Clampett. Admiral. Captain, Commander," Drysdale said making sure he acknowledged everyone. "Now then shall we get down to business?" he began taking papers out of his bag and placed a set before Nelson and Jed Clampett. "If you will each look at your papers Iíll read it aloud and you can tell me if this is what you want. Agreed?"

"Agreed!" Admiral Nelson and Jed Clampett said in unison.

Milburn Drysdale began to read the documents that outlined the amount of the Clampett donation and what it would be used for. When he was finished he turned to the two men in charge of this agreement, "How does that sound?" He asked as he placed the paper back on the table.

"Mr. Clampett, Are you sure about this. That is a rather substantial donation. We are asking others to help out as well." Nelson said astounded by the hillbilly families generosity.

"Admiral, I have twenty five million in Mr. Drysdales bank and it seems like Mr. Brewster of the Ok Oil Company is sending me more and more everyday. We canít begin to spend it all and from what you told me last night on the porch the oceans are in need of our hep." Jed Clampett told them all.

"They are." Nelson affirmed before speaking again, "Thank you Mr. Clampett your donation will go a long way to doing just that. If only more people would show your attitude on this important matter. I would like to show our appreciation in this matter. We are in the midst of building a new mini sub and if itís ok with you Iíd like to call it Clampettís Fins."

"Wellll doggie. That sure has a fine ring to it doesnít it Granny?" Jed Clampett exclaimed happily.

"It surely does." Granny laughed.

"I have to get back to the office, so if each of you would sign your documents Miss Jane and I will get back to work." He showed Nelson and Clampett where to sign and when everything was in order they said their goodbyes and left.

*******

Later that afternoon Lee and Elly were ready to pull a fast one on Chip Morton. The two came down the stairs, Elly wearing a beautiful yellow one-piece bathing suit that highlighted the natural colour of her hair. Lee wearing the same skimpy black swim trunks heíd worn the day before. They both carried towels and sunscreen.

Chip Morton, dressed in casual blue slacks and white dress shirt met them at the bottom of the stairs. "Where are you two off to?" he asked with a smirk.

ĎIím going to race Lee across the cee-ment pond out back." Elly told him, a stunning smile on her face.

"Yeah, to bad you donít have any trunks with you Chip. You could have joined us." Crane said, grinning broadly, "too bad."

"Maybe Jethro can lend you one of his. You might ave ta tie em up but at least you could join us. Right Lee?"

"Naw, Chip isnít interested in joining us, are you?" he asked trying to look hopeful.

"Iíd love to join you Elly." Chip answered, not wanting Lee to have time alone with the beautiful girl. He smiled at Lee Craneís exasperated look. "Where can I find Jethro?"

"Heís out front working on the truck. Weíll save you some sun screen," Elly said softly, batting her eyes at the blonde man.

"Thank you Elly," he said as he went in search of Jethro and his trunks.

"So far, so good Elly. Thank you for helping me with this."

"We canít let Chip have all the fun when ya get back to yer sub now can we?" she said mischievously.

"Thatís right," Lee said looking into her beautiful eyes. He bent down and lightly touched his lips to hers and barely held himself in check. He pulled back half expecting to be Ďwhuppedí for taking liberties with her.

Instead she smiled and said in a passionate hillbilly voice, "Iíve a hankerin ta do that again Lee." She said pulling his six foot three frame down where she could return the kiss. As she pulled back she whispered in his ear, "I ainít never been kissed like that Lee Crane. You just bout curled my toes."

He laughed and arm in arm they made their way out to the pool.

******

Chip Morton pulled on the faded trunks Jethro had given him and used some rope to pull them tight around his waist. He looked at himself in the large mirror in the hallway and thought, Ďitís a good thing the crew canít see me now.í To his eyes the trunks were two sizes to big and with the waist pulled tight by the rope, they bunched up around his hips. ĎOh well, theyíll have to do. Canít let Lee have Elly all to himself.í

******

"Here he comes Lee," Elly whispered in his ear.

"Are you ready?"

"You betcha." She looked up and acknowledged Mortonís approach, "Howdy Chip. Can ya do me a favour?"

"Sure Elly. What would you like me to do?"

"Lee here is to chicken ta race me across the cee-ment pond. He beat me yesterday and wonít give me the chance ta return the favour. Can you hep me convince him."

"Well now Lee has always been a bit of a spoiled sport Elly." He said looking over to see Leeís reaction to his little gibe. Morton was rewarded when Cranes eyebrows rose sharply.

ĎOh Iím not going to regret this Chip Morton. Make it good Elly,í Lee thought trying to keep a straight face.

"How would you like to race me instead? Iím a lot more fun than sourpuss there." Morton stated.

"Never mind Chip. Letís go Elly." Crane said letting the sound of jealousy come through.

"Why donít we ask Elly who she wants to race against?"

Elly gave Lee a warm smile before turning to Chip, "I think Iíll take you up on your challenge Chip. Do you want a head start?" she asked.

Chip Morton laughed and took Elly by the arm. "Did you give Lee a head start? Is that why he beat you?" he said in a teasing voice that Lee Crane didnít miss.

ĎThis is getting easier and easier Mr. Morton.í He thought barely able to contain his laughter at what was about to happen.

"Will you do a countdown fer us Lee?"

"Of course I will Elly. And Chip," he said turning to his exec, "no cheating." Chip and Elly took up their places at the deep end of the pool. "Iíll countdown from five and when I say one you go. OK?" They both nodded affirmative and Lee began, "five....four....three

.....two....ONE." Lee shouted and watched the two figures dive into the pool and race to the shallow end. Chip barely made it in front of Elly.

As they climbed out of the pool Elly turned to the wet dripping figure standing before her, "Yer quick." She said.

"I won fair and square."

"You surely did. What does the winner want." Lee waited patiently, knowing this was where he would get his revenge.

"A kiss my lady," he said and reached to pull her into an embrace. Before he knew what was happening he was grabbed by the arm and pulled up and over her shoulder and he landed solidly on the grass next to the pool. He lay there, stunned. Lee Crane stood over him snapping pictures with a mini camera.

"Well now Mr. Morton what do you think the crew will have to say about their exec being thrown by this beautiful young lady? I think weíre both in for a ribbing when we get back to the boat." He reached down and helped his friend to his feet.

"What did I do wrong Elly?"

"Well Chip, nobody kisses me without my permission. Lee found that out the other day. I warned him he better not try or heíd get a whuppin. Thatís what ya get fer not askin permission."

"Wait a minute, you knew what she would do but didnít warn me. Oh, I owe you one captain," he said with a grin.

"Iíd say weíre even after what you told Riley. When we get back to the boat Iíll just show them a few pictures." Crane said happily.

"You wouldnít dear." Morton said.

"You want to bet. What would you do if you had pictures of me being thrown by Elly?" Crane asked.

Morton thought about it for a few minutes and pictured how he must have looked flying through the air. "Iíd have them framed and put up in the control room," he laughed. Lee Craneís eyes lit up, "Lee you wouldnít!" he stated.

"I would never have thought of that Chip. But it just might bring the crews morale up a notch."

"LEE!" Morton said trying to get his hands on the camera.

"All right Chip, weíll just see how I feel when we get back." Lee said knowing he had the upper hand. "Thank you for your help Elly."

"Yer welcome Lee." Elly said, "Ok you two lets ferget about the camera and pictures. You guys are going home tomorrow. Letís enjoy ourselves. Wanna go fer a swim."

Chip Morton and Lee Crane smiled at the girl and all three jumped into the pool and began pitching around a ball.

*******

Laughter drifted into the kitchen from the pool and Jethro turned to the two men seated at the table. "Uncle Jed why are those two sub fellas swimming with Elly? Sheís just a dumb ole girl."

Jed Clampett shook his head as Jethro left him and the Admiral alone, "Someday I gotta ave a long talk with that boy!" he told Nelson and they both laughed.

******

Breakfast was over and all their luggage had been placed in the trunk of the rental car. Chip Morton and Harriman Nelson had already said their goodbyes and were seated in the front of the car.

Lee Crane looked at the Hillbilly family before him and felt a knot in his stomach. These people had taken him in and shown him a kindness rarely seen by anyone. They had treated him like family and accepted him even after they found out who he really was. He reached out and shook Jethroís and Uncle Jedís hands. Then he gently hugged Elly May and was pleased when she hugged him back.

Looking at Granny he saw a wetness in her eyes as he reached down and picked her up.

"Put me down Lee Crane, put me down," she said laughing happily at the young mans attention.

"Granny, I donít know how to thank you for what you and youíre family have done."

"You jus make sure ya come back to visit." Granny told him tearfully. "And bring yer friends," she added.

"I will and thank you," he said as he got into the back of the car. The windows were rolled down and Lee watched the Clampettís raise their hands and wave at them.

He could hear Grannyís voice as she shouted, "Yaíll come back now ya hear."

*****

Lee Crane smiled. Two weeks back on the boat and no mention of the hillbilly antics heíd been sure would greet him. He had his pictures of Chip and Elly but hadnít shown them to anyone as yet. He was on his way to the crews quarters and was surprised to see the door closed. He knocked but got no answer. ĎThatís strange.í He thought.

Opening the door he stepped into his worst nightmare. Patterson, Kowalski, Morton, Sharkey, Jamison and even the Admiral stood there wearing blue denim farmer pants, white t-shirts, straw hats and not one of them wore socks or shoes. Suddenly a serious looking Chip Morton began chanting, "and a one and a two and three," as the whole gang joined in to sing out of key.

"Comeín listen to my story bout a man named Jed,

Poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed,

Then one day he was shootin up some food,

And up through the ground came a bubblin crude.

Oil that is, black gold! Texas Tea!"

Lee Crane doubled over and laughed heartily. The sound of his laughter was contagious and the singing voices stopped abruptly as they were drowned out by the laughter coming from their captain, "Oh, God thatís hilarious. I canít believe you did this Chip. I....I canít..... take it..... anymore," he said as he held his sides in laughter.

After a few seconds the rest of the group joined in his contagious laughter and Lee pulled a handful of snapshots from his pocket. The laughter grew even louder as the men looked at the pictures of their exec being thrown over the shoulders of a beautiful blonde woman in a yellow bathing suit.

Lee and Chip stared at each other for a few moments. They patted each other on the back and Lee said one word, "EVEN."

Chip Morton smiled and repeated the same word to his Captain, "EVEN,"

"Iím glad thatís over. Now letís get this crew back to normal. Yee-Haw" Nelson yelled as he threw his hat in the air.

YAíAL COME BACK NOW YA 'EAR!!!!

THE END!

Hillbilly Lingo

FETCH- to obtain or get something

TOTE- carry

TARNATION- what the hell

GUMPTION-backbone, strength

YEE_HAWW-exclamation of happiness

HANKERING-to want something

LAND O GOSHEN-good gawd

PAW PAWS-kind of fruit

GOO-MER- strange person

YOUNG-UN- young person

NARY-never

PERT NEAR-pretty close

CEE-MENT POND-swimming pool

VITTLES-food

HEP-help

GRUNIONS-enemies from the island of grun

FANCY EATIN TABLE-pool table

SMOKE YOUR HAUNCHES-spanking

POT PASSERS-pool cues

XXX-moon shine-Grannyís Rumatiz medicine

AILIN-sick

BOILED BUZZARD EGGS-boiled eggs

AW GO ON!- youíre kidding

CRITTERS-Elly Mayís animals

HEAR TELL OF-heard a story

THE DICKENS YA SAY-are you sure

* No infringement is implied or intended on the characters/venue owned by Twentieth Century Fox of The Beverly Hillbillies.