Deep Six

By Sue Kite

Follows Mission to Remember (on Carol’s Seaview Stories site) but hopefully it’s not necessary to read it to enjoy this one (just more fun.)

At the time of the incident, I wasn’t sure I would ever speak to him again! I couldn’t believe Lee would bring another human into my house without consulting me. I don’t mind when Chip or the Admiral comes around. I can even tolerate the Commodore, despite the fact that he reeks of sharks. Don’t get me wrong, I like fish with the best of them, but the Commodore smells like he lives with them. Dolphins, too. I haven’t liked them from the time Lee took me to the Institute to take care of a female human during one of his long times away.

She had the audacity to keep me at her workplace until she went home that night. Whole day in a carrier!!! Jeez, how disgusting! For some insane reason, she thought I would like talking to the dolphins. Yeah, sure. I got to watch them going round and round all afternoon. When they weren’t doing that, they loved splashing me. I think they got a huge kick out of that. If I had been free I would have done something to their bucket of fish that would make them remember me. Later that night, the dumb female tried to coax me out from under the couch with cheese! What did she think I was, a mouse? Some humans are so stupid.

That was the last time I took care of that human. I let Lee know real quick how irritated I was. When he got back I shredded a pair of his dress socks. He was in them at the time.

Me? I’m DS. That stands for Deep Six. (I can sink the best of them!) Someone else wrote the story of how Lee and I got together. Didn’t do a half bad job, but I could have done better if I had known then what I know now. You’ve heard of a kitten on the keys? Well I am a cat on the keyboard. I have been test-driving the Admiral’s new portable computer. At first they thought I was just playing, but when I typed a note, Lee and the Admiral realized how intelligent us cats really are. Way smarter than dogs and smarter than most humans.

Anyway, back to my story. Lee had finished his dinner, fed me my favorite dinner, sautéed chicken, and gone to bed. Apparently, this last long-time-away was pretty hard on my human. He even looked like something a cat would refuse to drag in. So he didn’t give me my evening massage in front of the TV. He didn’t even turn it on so I could watch that orange cat act the socks off anything else on the boob tube. I grumbled a bit, but at least my human was home in one piece, so it was okay. The up side was that it was quiet—time to prowl. And I do like to prowl. I would love to prowl outside, too, but Lee won’t let me, especially at night. Too many dangers, he told me. He’s a fine one to talk.

Well, I had patrolled the premises and was sure everything was ship-shape. I was getting ready to head upstairs to sack out against Lee’s stomach. (Wouldn’t even consider lying next to his legs. He has funny dreams and when he dreams—watch out!) So I have my front paws on the first step when I hear a slight creaking sound. A human wouldn’t have heard a thing, it was so quiet, but me? I not only heard it, but realized it was definitely out of place. At first, I thought it might be that crazy cat from down the street. She’s nuts about me and likes to rub against the sliding glass door to get my attention. I swear, she’s big and tough enough to make the door creak. I turned to let her know I wasn’t available tonight when I saw the door slide open very slowly and very quietly. Sometimes Chip comes in that way. Occasionally the admiral or one of the other men (or a female) does, but that was usually when Lee knew they were coming or when they had been down on the beach swimming. (Another nasty habit humans have.) So who could be coming in this time of night? My nose twitched and my whiskers tingled. It didn’t smell like any of Lee’s friends.

Wait a minute! Lee usually locked the doors at night when he wasn’t expecting someone. So was he expecting someone? I rubbed a paw over my ears, a habit I have when something doesn’t make sense. Lee was upstairs asleep, so he couldn’t be expecting anyone.

A prank? Chip had been known to do those. I remember the one where Chip had sneaked in and cleaned out Lee’s refrigerator before my human came home. Lee had come in looking rather worn, not from one of the long-time-away’s, but from a talk-talk-talk session. I know he hates those. I hear him grumbling for hours when he’s been to one of those. I don’t know why he puts up with them. If it were me, I would sharpen my claws on the table leg, growl or hiss, and then bite an ankle if they didn’t get the hint and cut the meeting short. It’s much simpler, but do humans do things simply? No….

The figure opened the glass door enough to slide inside. I padded silently to the drapes to get a better look. About the same size as that crazy crewman, Stu, but the only time he came in was when he and some other human friends sneaked in to put up decorations for Lee’s birthday. I wished they had birthdays every week. That was so much fun, even though the Stu, Ski and Pat got caught. I made too much noise popping the balloons.

No, this human didn’t have the right smell. There was something not quite right. The human crept into the kitchen, leaving the door open. The night scents were very enticing, but I still wasn’t sure what this human was up to so I ignored the opening to freedom. I followed the human, watching intently without him knowing I was behind him. He opened the fridge door and looked inside. Hmm, maybe there was some promise here. Purr a little, rub an ankle and maybe he’d give me the container of chicken livers Lee was going to fix for me tomorrow. I licked a paw in anticipation.

The human pulled a small container out of his pocket and unscrewed the top. He jerked the top off the livers. I really was interested now. I would love a midnight snack. Then a strange odor hit my nostrils. I curled my lip in disgust. He was pouring nasty stuff into my livers! How could he? I slinked up behind the dog-breath idiot and unsheathed my claws. He had replaced the lid to my chicken and was going for Lee’s leftover meatloaf. That nasty odor again. Messing with my stuff and now messing with Lee’s stuff? All right, that’s enough, I thought. Some of Lee’s friends are pretty . . . unique, but none of them are going to mess with our food and get away with it.

I wrapped my paws around one ankle and sank my fangs into the flesh. The meatloaf and its glass container sailed through the air and crashed to the floor about the time the human let out an ear-piercing shriek. I let go before his hand reached me, grabbing the other ankle with my claws. I felt the sharp tips gouge his leg like a hot knife going through soft butter. I grinned and dashed behind the fridge door as he stamped around on the floor.

I heard a crash above me and figured the commotion had awakened Lee. He must have hit the floor hard. Cat whiskers! He had really been sound asleep. The unwanted human heard it, too, because he dropped the little container and bolted for the open door.

Uh, uh, you big slug, I thought. There are consequences to messing with our food and you are about to find out what they are. I galloped ahead of the human dog-dung (oops, sorry, I have been around military type cats too long). I timed my strides just right. This was going to hurt me as much as it hurt him, but it would be worth it if Lee chewed out the knucklehead. The human’s foot found my backside and he did a beautiful one eighty right into the glass door, screeching some particularly colorful curse words as the glass shattered. Lee thundered down the steps, a gun in his hand. The human on the deck moaned and started to get up.

“Don’t even think about it,” Lee growled as he turned on the light. He reached over with his free hand and jerked off the human’s head covering. Wasn’t anyone I knew. Don’t think it was anyone Lee knew, either. The bright light showed glass shards and blood stains everywhere.

Whoops! Lee wasn’t going to like that one little bit. But strange as it seems, Lee, and even more, the admiral, loved me. Couldn’t do enough for me. I had chicken livers the next night, (not the ones the spy had poisoned—what a waste!) and there were lots of tasties for days after that. Leave it to the cat to catch the rat! Heh heh heh. Deep-sixed another one. Daytime security guard and nighttime crook catcher, that’s me!

Whoops! Excuse me; I have to go. There’s a new kitty on the block who’s nuts about me, and she is absolutely drop-dead gorgeous! Who says humans do it better?